I have been tossing around the idea of making a scrapbook for Allie. It came up at my Unite support group last month and at first, I totally dismissed the idea. The group leader even had an extra book that was up for grabs, but I did not even look at it. One of the mom's brought hers in and it was so great. It contained pictures of her baby - from the ultrasound to the baby shower to the hospital where she was born. And while I liked it for her, I just was not sure if it was something I could to do.
The idea popped into my head a few times over the past month and last Saturday, when we were visiting Gary's side of the family, my sister-in-law suggested we head over to Michael's as she wanted to start working on the scrapbooks that she is creating for the kids in her CCD class. Well, it seemed like a sign to me! I would go with her and start to pick out the design for mine.
I walked to the back of the scrapbooking isle and saw the rows and rows of books. All colors and shapes and sizes. I selected a small pink one with a little opening in the front that I thought might work for my favorite ultrasound picture. The fabric was smooth and the edges were bound well and it seemed like a really solid book. I left it there while I started to browse the isle for items to put in my book. (There was not much I could help my sister-in-law with as CCD is really out of my Jewish element!). So off I went in search of little sparkly letters, little "it's a girl" signs, teeny tiny baby bottle stickers and storks and glitter and OH MY GOD, I am so not ready for this yet.
You see, I am not really an arts and crafts type person. My bestie can do it in her sleep and since I discovered that, I have kind of let her just run with it whenever the need came up for something crafty. And then there is Gary who is a trained graphic designer and can do stuff with Photoshop that I thought only professionals can do. The last time I had a glue gun was when I made my sorority paddle in college and I guarantee you that it did not win any awards. I am also sure it's completely fallen apart by now.
But it wasn't my skills (or lack thereof) that was the problem. I knew if I needed help, I would have a house full of people to help me. (And they would come armed with plenty of wine.) The problem is, I would like to try to do it on my own. When I am ready. Right now, I am not ready to create a book for a child that has a beginning, middle and end. I am not ready to get the Memory Box out of the basement and dig through it - picking some items out and leaving some other items behind. Not ready to print out pictures of my baby shower (which was one year ago this month) and see the joy and happiness emerge from the pages and remind me of a time so different from today.
My mission is to make myself be ready. By Allie's birthday. Gary and I have been talking the last week or so about how we want to celebrate her birthday and we have some good ideas. And on that day, when we celebrate our first born, I will have that scrapbook. One beautiful book that Allie's grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins can flip through and enjoy.
I have till the end of April to make this book...and I will. There is not much I can do for my baby these days, but I can cherish her memory. Oh hell yeah, I can do that.
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