Thursday, August 30, 2012

The Power of Love

Back to the Future has been on cable a lot these past few weeks.  I feel like every time I turn on the TV, a very young Michael J. Fox is staring back at me.  Next thing I know, "The Power of Love" by Huey Lewis and the News is stuck in my head all day.

So what about the "Power of Love"?  What do those words mean?  Is it more than just a catchy tune from the 80's?

I remember when Gary and I were still a new couple and everything we did was so adorable (to me!).  I remember wanting something and saying to him, "Be your best friend!" as a way to entice him to give it to me. He replied with "You already are". I melted...and then I felt like an ass!  This man LOVES me!  He really loves me!  Talk about the power of love!

After work this evening, I got my hair done.  I love the few hour ritual of the color being applied, the scalp massage/shampoo, the cut and then the style.  But the best part is my stylist.  She has become a true friend over the years and were were laughing so hard today that at one point she had to put the scissors down and just let it out.

Somehow we got on the topic of that feeling you get when you are in a new relationship.  The butterflies in your belly, the desire to be around one another ALL THE TIME, the lust and the excitement of something new. The physical connection that makes you  feel like your very own Fifty Shades...long before that book was published!  And while all of that is fantastic, what's even better is what comes next, if you are lucky.  The hug at the end of an exhausting day.  A wink from across a crowded room.  The way you hold hands when you walk into an uncomfortable situation.  The strength you give each other when tragedy turns your world upside down.  That's the power of love.
We took this picture last week when we went away for few days.  Some might see a simple sun glare. I see parents and a child.  I see the child looking over her parents.  

I see the "Power of Love".


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

If you know me well...

You know I have this uncanny ability to remember what I was wearing at various times in my life.  I do not always remember the who or the what or the where, but I know on September 11, 2001, I was wearing a black skirt with a magenta top that I adored.  Open toed shoes, too, as it was unseasonably warm that day.  But ok - that was a big event.  Let me try something more obscure...I remember the outfit I wore when Gary and I went out on our first date.  I did not know it was a date at the time so it was what I wore to work on that casual Friday.  Still, embroidered jeans that I had just fit back into (may or may not have been in style but I was losing weight and going to wear all the things that had eluded me during my heavier days!) and a white off the shoulder sweater with a camisole underneath.  The first time he brought me home to meet his family?  Why that would be brown pants and an off- white turtleneck sweater.  First day at this job over 6 years ago?  Black and white skirt, black top...closed toe shoes as I was not sure exactly what the dress code at my new company was yet.

I have always had this knack...it goes back to the shorts I was wearing when I broke my leg, which was the summer before 6th grade.  Grey shorts with a pink stripe down the side that they cut off of me in the Emergency Room.  So sad to lose them.  They were a favorite indeed. 

And to add to that list, I remember what I was wearing when the doctor told me that they had trouble finding our baby's heartbeat.  By the time we got the official news, I was in a gown, but on the way to the hospital and when I was first hooked up to all the machines, I remember what I wore. And I remember what I wore when I came home without her.

My fun little game is now a little bit of torture when I look through the closet and remember what I was wearing when.  I wore this top to my baby shower.  I wore that top to the funeral home.  This was what I wore the first time we saw the fertility specialist.  That is what I wore the first time they called and said they wish they had better news...we're sorry - you are not pregnant.

Yesterday we went to see the doctor once again to talk options, ideas, touch base...and I did something different for me.  I grabbed what was clean that I had no attachment to whatsoever and off we went.  We had a good meeting, talked for close to a half hour and decided to go at it again.  There is no reason that the doctor can see that we should not keep trying and he wants us to get pregnant almost as much as we do.  We left his office feeling positive and hopeful - with me still feeling a little sad that we had to have that meeting at all. Sometimes I feel stabs of pity but I try my best to see them head on and shove them away.  We do not have time or space or energy for pity these days.  (Or any day, I suppose!).

So today is a new day.  The sun is out.  The sky is blue.  We are still here.  We are honoring our daughter every day while trying to be compassionate to each other.  Soon I will log off and finish packing as we took this week off from work and are going on a mini-vacation. We are gonna sleep in and do touristy things and eat lazy big meals and laugh and talk and remember our past and plan for our future.  I better pack carefully as I might look back on this last vacation before we are pregnant and think about what I wore then...


Monday, August 13, 2012

Negative

If we got pregnant this month, our due date would have been April 22nd.  Now there is no way we would have gone 40 weeks, but I thought it was a sign!  It wasn't.

If we got pregnant this month, I would be starting to feel a new life inside of me.  I would have been tired and drained and happy and excited.  I am not.

If we got pregnant this month, I would find it easier to have hope.  I do not.

Today we got the news that yet another cycle was a failure and we are still trying to process it all.  I used to celebrate my half birthday but I stopped that this year.  For mid-July only indicated to me that I was THAT much closer to another birthday...and the odds of getting pregnant decrease the older I get.

I was so nervous at work waiting for the call that I packed up my laptop and came home.  Gary and I sat side by side and willed the phone to ring.  I hung up shortly after hearing the "I'm sorry I do not have better news" and started to cry.  Through the tears, I said to my husband, "I want to carry your baby. I want to give you a child."  His reply?  "You already did."  Oh man.  Crap!  That's right!  I did!  That's the fine line I wrote about last.  For as sad and angry and disappointed I am now, it does not hold a candle to the grief that we felt when we learned that Allie was never going to live in the same world as us.

So what now?  Now we plan a mini vacation as we both took off next week.  I am not sure where - somewhere close and reasonable - and then we come back and we try again.  We give it our all, while being kind to ourselves and remembering how much we matter to each others and those that love us.

A few months back, we looked into adoption.  We were so not ready then.  I am not sure we are now, either, but it might be time to revisit it.  I know several people who have been adopted and who have adopted and I know that families are formed in so many different ways.

So I am gonna take tonight and dwell on the negative and my puffy eyes and wild hair and general hot mess of a lump that I am and then I am going to wake up tomorrow, put a smile on my face and try my best to be positive.  If life is what you make of it, then I chose to make my life a positive one.  For my friends and family that almost blew up my phone today with their love and support, for my husband, for my daughter, for me.  And for the baby that we will someday have.  Cause I am NOT giving up without a fight.

Monday, August 6, 2012

A Fine Line

There is such a fine line between living in the past and living in the present.  Between mourning the child you lost and hoping for the child yet to be conceived.  Between feeling low and sad and down and also and optimistic and excited and positive.

I have mentioned before that we are seeing a fertility specialist and I feel like we are in very good hands.  More than that, I feel I am in very good hands with a husband who makes me feel like he is lucky to have married me virtually every single day.  I am starting to see my glass as half full - and I like what I am seeing so much better.

Last week I told my mom that I could not wait to be pregnant again.  For the past 15 months, pregnancy has scared the living daylights out of me and all I wanted was to bring home our baby.  While that is still the goal, I now feel like I am ready to feel the kicks and watch my body change and carry our baby.  It's a shift towards the half full glass, I believe.

And while this change has been slowly taking place, I find myself more desperate to find butterflies - to see Allie and have her know that I am not trying to replace her.  To make sure she knows that I have not forgotten her.  I found myself talking out loud to her sometimes. "Hi, baby girl.  Mama loves you!"  I still believe in a world where she can see us and love us and watch over us.

I was able to get away this past weekend for our annual Girls Weekend Away (GWA).  We realized halfway into the trip that this was our 10 year anniversary.  We are all so fiercely proud of our tradition and all had a very good time.  We laugh so hard that we are all in tears.  The few days of fun and frolic in the sun was fantastic.  I was surrounded with love and friendship so loyal that it could take my breath away.  To have girlfriends like I have - well, there ain't nothing like it!

As we packed up our bags and headed for home earlier today, we started talking about next year.  Did we want to go back to the same beach?  Who else might be able to join us?  When do we want to go?  And my favorite question - will I be able to go for the whole weekend if there is a baby at home?  Will I want to?   

I do not know what next summer will bring.  I do not know what tomorrow will bring!  But I do know that to focus on the good times and the good people and the good friends and the good experiences can only lead to good things, right?  I sure hope so! 

Maybe there is no "line"...maybe I can just be who I am - a woman who desperately loves and cherishes the daughter that she had a woman who will desperately love and cherish the next child that she has as well.  I sure like the sound of that!

A Letter to My First Daughter

My Dearest Allie, It’s been a while since I have written to you. I find it easier to write about you than it is to write to you. ...