There have always been things that made me different. Divorced parents. Being Jewish. A gay dad. I was always a few pounds heavier, a few notes off key or just a little different than the others around me.
As I got older, I learned to accept my circumstances and differences and in many ways, embrace them. I was able to use much of my past as material that would make others laugh so hard that they would cry. I liked being a little different. I still do.
I used to shave the back of my head and wear all black to announce to the world that I was unique. Now I dress the way I want to and let people figure it out on their own.
When Allie died, one of the things that crossed my mind during those dark days was how this was yet one more thing that was going to make me different. I did not want to be the mom who lost her child or the woman who had to bury her baby. That crushed me. Not only did I have to suffer the unbearable agony of not having her here to parent, but I was constantly reminded of what should have been.
The time we spent trying to build our family after our loss was agony. The appointments, the shots, the medication, the injections the procedures...the negatives each step of the way.
Then we went to the adoption agency for an informational session. Then we filled out the paperwork. Then we had a home study. Then we had a fundraiser. Then we got picked.
It was so...dare I say it? Easy! The steps were hard and the emotions were running high but once we made the decision, it was so right.
Now I have a daughter to raise. She keeps me on my toes every second of every day. She makes me laugh so hard that I sometimes cry. She somehow has my nuances and some of my differences. And I think that makes her all the more special.
I am not "most". I am not "all". But I am a mother who is learning her way just like any other mother and I am enjoying the journey for the first time in a long time. I have both my girls to thank for that - and all the people whom I have loved along the way who love me back. Differences and all.
|Our "Allie Butterfly" who lives right outside|
|One of Miranda's many smiles|