Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Rose

I heard "The Rose" today.  It was always one of my favorite songs but today, it resonated with me even more.  Especially the last verse:

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose. 

The flowers are blooming.  The sun is shining harder and longer.  Spring means life.  Spring means picnics and happiness and fresh air and joy. 

To me, Spring means all of those things.  But it also means another year without Allie.  Spring marks the time of year when we learned she was no longer breathing inside of me.  Spring marks the time when I learned we were never going to hear her laugh or cry.  Spring marks the time when I realized that death is everywhere and for a little bit back in the Spring of 2011, Spring marks a time when I did not care if I lived or died.

So much changes with the passing of time and the changing of the seasons.  The heart heals.  The soul mends.  But the longing remains.

I am struggling with how to celebrate Allie's birthday this year.  I want to celebrate it as much as we just celebrated Miranda's and yet it seems that a small, family ceremony is what would mean the most.  We are going to get balloons to release (this year Miranda can participate!) and I think cake is in order.  I think cake is always in order, truth be told.

But there are no invitations, no goodie bags, no decorations.  Just her dad, her mom and her sister remembering her.  Honoring her memory.  Loving her.

I am sad today.  A good friend of mine lost her mother-in-law this morning.  A vivacious and bubbly woman is no longer here.  She will not get to experience this Spring.  She will not get to see her grandchildren grow.  She is out of the pain that has been all consuming to her, though, and I hope that is some comfort.  And although I only knew this women from weddings and bridal showers and birthday parties, I can tell you that she will be missed by even me.  Someone she probably did not know she ever even had an impact on.

Death forces us to look at life.  What we have.  What we desire.  I have a lot of love.  I desire to be loved in return.  I am fortunate that Allie's death taught me to slow down and remember what matters.

Live.  Love.  Laugh.  And Remember.

..."In the spring becomes the rose"

A butterfly for her sister

Practicing for the balloon release on April 22nd

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