I was 15 years old when Dead Poets Society came out. I was forever changed by it.
To live life to it's fullest, to seize the day, well, I just thought that was everything. I was excited and inspired all at the same time. I bought all the Teen Beat magazines that were sold and wallpapered my pink bedroom wall with pictures of the students from the movie. I bought copies of Walden and begged my mom to take me there. I wanted to live like Thoreau and live deliberately and with a purpose. I wanted to read poetry and suck the marrow out of life.
Instead, I wound up with a crush on my English teacher, a Carpe Diem tattoo on my ankle that from a distance looks like an ink blot and a feeling of emptiness that I never did in fact seize the day.
So why write about this now? Well, I am more than twice the age I was when I first saw the film and a part of me still wants to seize the day. To reclaim that innocence of my youth when I could see a film and it would change my outlook on life. I want my glass to be half full and not half empty. But it's so difficult. I still think "why me?" when instead, I could be thinking "why not me?". I get upset and frustrated by the minutiae and forget to look at the big picture. I feel more and more like a fraud every day.
I am hoping that by writing about this fear, I will pay more attention to it and begin to feel better about the day to day things. Begin to "seize the day" in the areas that I can and learn to put my best foot forward in the areas that I cannot.
The fact of the matter is, Allie is not here. I am not pregnant. I want so much for our family to grow, but I need to slow down and smell the roses and let myself off the hook and seize the day.
I had my second acupuncture appointment yesterday and it was just as relaxing as the first one. I was able to focus on my breathing and live in the moment and for the most part, tune everything else while allowing my body to get aligned and back in order.
Earlier this week, Gary and I saw this in a store and bought it immediately. I have always loved turtles and I like to think this is me and our future little turtle. I am trying to look for signs that it may happen for us after all. Just this morning we saw at least a half dozen butterflies down by Allie's creek. Damn if I do not think that is a sign, too!
The other night when Gary and I were ready to turn in for the night, we could not find Zoe to give her a treat. (She lives for these late night snacks!). I finally found her upstairs in the guest bedroom (which used to be Allie's nursery). We left the glider in there when we put everything else in the basement, and the first stuffed animal that was given to use for her. It seemed right at the time and apparently, Zoe thought so, too.
And so here I sit, writing away, reminding myself that it's not too late to live in the moment, to make the most of the life that I have and to be happy to have it. If I have to pretend to be 15 again, I can do that! If I have to remind myself over and over, I can do that, too! I have more love and support that seems fair. I can't change what has happened but I can change how I deal with it. For the most part, I think I have been pretty great! But there are many moments that I have not seized and for that, I say, "Carpe Diem!!" Who's with me?