Friday, March 9, 2012

What a Difference A Year Makes

Last year this time, I was scouring my baby registry to see what was being bought and when.  We were taking Labor & Delivery classes.  We were going to the movies and out to dinner and all the "couple-y" things we could think of cause we knew once our baby girl arrived, it would be so much harder to do all those things.  We were decorating they nursery and taking pains to make sure everything was just right.

This year, I am in the midst of planning a first birthday party for the daughter I carried and delivered but it not here to celebrate with us.

What a difference a year makes.

I used to say I was sad all the time.  And I was.  In fact, I still am sometimes.  But lately, I am optimistic, too.  And hopeful.  And positive.

What a difference a year makes.

On Monday, I leave for my first business trip since I have been at this company.  I will be heading to Warsaw, KY through Thursday.  I know - y'all want to go with me.  (I am going to practice my drawl this weekend.  Gary is going to be thrilled.)  But I am looking forward to it very much.  I will get to try out some of my new training skills and get to experience one of our remote facilities first-hand.  I am viewing it as an adventure and want to treat it as such.  And a teeny part of me knows that if I had an almost 11 month baby at home, I might not be going.  I might have never applied for this job if things were different.  And if I had and if this trip were still to happen, I would worry the whole time about leaving her for so long.  Sigh.

What a difference a year makes.

My mom and I went to our 2nd UNITE meeting this past week and it was very cathartic.  Different people this time, but the same general feel.  I sat next to and across from women who knew exactly what I was going through.  They were kind and gentle and listened with their whole hearts.  I was able to talk about Allie's upcoming birthday and they gave me some suggestions to help celebrate her - without judgment.  They listened to my mom share some of her feelings and were there for her as much as they were there for me.  I am already looking forward to the next meeting.

What a difference a year makes.

I will close with this poem that was read at the beginning of the meeting.  I keep thinking about it and hope it moves you like it did us...
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star-shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
 What a difference a year makes.

2 comments:

  1. I hope your business trip is going well! That is amazing that you took your mom to the support group meeting, that she can really open up and understand some of your grief too. I have been feeling some days of optimism and hope too, and it's refreshing, after so many hard days this past year.

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  2. What a difference a year makes is right....wish we could have that year back. I love that you were able to take your mom with you to the meeting. I think our family gets so "forgotten" in all of this. There is barely enough support for us, but for grandparents, aunts, uncles etc....nothing. Love that you were able to go together!

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