Thursday, March 22, 2012

11 Months

11 months into our relationship, Gary proposed to me.  11 months after we got married, we were taking Labor & Delivery classes and preparing for the arrival of our daughter.  11 months ago today, we said hello and goodbye to her on the same day.  Time loses something in the midst of grief - what once marked milestones now marks absence.  Will I be pregnant 11 days from now?  11 weeks?  11 months?

 We saw a fertility specialist this week.  We both felt it was "time".  It was a very good, informative appointment and we both felt optimistic when we left.  The only downside was when they did an internal baseline ultrasound and we saw my empty belly.  The only other time we had ultrasounds was to see our baby.  It was hard to see the empty space.

 Gary has a business trip on Nashville in April.  So we are taking advantage of his trip and turning it into a mini-getaway.  As we were booking it, I realized this meant we would be away over Easter.  Good. I want to be as far away from here as possible on that holiday.  Last year, we went to the hospital on the night before Good Friday and I was discharged on Easter Sunday.  This year, we will be at the Grand Ole Opry and the Country Music Hall of Fame.  We will make new associations with this holiday and season.

I miss my daughter.  I read a blog recently about a woman who commissioned an artist to make a sketch of her baby.  The hospital pics were great in her case (and ours, too), but her baby just looked so still.  So a black and white sketch gave her some peace of mind and a picture that she feels proud to display.  I liked the idea so much that I contacted the artist and have been put on the waiting list.  I am not sure if we will display the sketch or not, but I want all the pictures and images of Allie that I can get.  I think the waiting list was 3-4 weeks, but it's ok.  What is time anyway?

This morning on the radio on my way into work, Forever Young was playing. It seemed eerily appropriate.

Zoe woke us up at 2:30 this morning with heaving sounds and throwing up.  I jumped up and consoled her and cleaned it up.  She was so scared.  I thought, "I really will be a good mom".  It's not that taking care of a cat is anything like a child, but it was good to know my instincts are still there.

11 months.  Eleven months. 

Thinking of you today and every day, baby girl.

1 comment:

  1. I remember 11 months sounding so big, I mean ELEVEN...ugh. It is crazy to think of all other things asscoiated with that time line. I will be hoping for the 11 day scenario!

    Easter 2 years ago was when we announced our pregnancy to our family...I still can't believe there will be ANOTHER Easter here with no baby in our much for loving Easter! Glad you guys are getting away! Hope things with the specialist went well, it would be so hard to see an empty belly :( I love the sketch idea as well, I'm not on the list yet, but I'm with you, when we have so few pictures of our children sign me up for something "new". Hope the sketch of Allie turns out as perfect as she is.

    You are right, a cat isn't the same, but anytime one of my animals gets sick in the middle of the night and my body instantly springs into action I am always amazed at the instinct. You have been a good mama for the last 11 months + the months Allie was in your belly. I can't wait for you to be able to use your instincts on Allie's little brother or sister <3 Thinking of Allie today and every day!


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