Tuesday, February 14, 2012

It's been a while...

It's not like me to go over a week without writing.  But things have been so busy of late that I just did not have the time.  So tonight, after I watched "Glee", I turned off the TV and started to write.

Another month has passed us by with no little pink lines to tell us that a baby is on the way.  I really thought that this was our month.  We are doing such a good job of taking care of ourselves...me with the new job and the new support group, us both with a personal trainer that comes to work at the end of the day to whip us into shape.  We are healing.  We are living our lives.  I figured it was time.  Long past time, to be honest.

Each symptom of PMS can present like pregnancy. It's a cruel joke.  I get my hopes up when I start to feel bloated...this could be it!!  I turn into a naive woman and calculate out when my due date might be.  This month, I allowed myself the luxury of looking at a calendar and trying to decide when we would know the gender. I was THAT sure.  And then I woke up with other plans on Sunday morning.

And yet, I still have hope.  I still want to continue.  I still want to carry a child that Gary and I create.

It scares me to death that I could get pregnant again, have a perfectly normal pregnancy like I did with Allie and then lose the next baby, too.  It haunts me.  I like to think that lightning does not strike twice and that it could never happen again, but who thought it could happen the first time?

I only read a handful of blogs anymore as most of the women I have met on this journey are pregnant again.  Some lost their children long before me so it's not fair to compare, and yet I do. I crave the day that I can go back to reading their blogs and feeling a connection again.  Lately, I read their blogs to see how they are and how they are progressing and to hopefully reference back to when I am pregnant again.

When.  Not if.

Oh Allie.  How I wish you were here, baby.  I seldom allow myself to think of what you would look like and what you would be doing if you were here.  That does not do me any good.  Sometimes, when I am in bed, drifting off to sleep, Daddy tucked in soundly next to me, I rub my belly where you once lived and I swear I can still feel you there.  I remember your kicks and your movements when I hold my palm against my skin.  Sometimes I smile.  Sometimes, like now, tears come.  I wish we had more time, baby.  I wish we had more time.

I have a friend who is getting married in the June.  A week after Gary and I celebrate our second wedding anniversary, in fact.  Last week, she reluctantly told me that her bridal shower is going to be April 22nd.  She looked so sad and told me that she was sorry and does not expect me to attend.  I immediately broke into tears.  She knew that Allie's "birth"day was that day and that I would be doing something to honor her on that day.  One of my biggest fears was that our daughter would be forgotten and I am being reminded time and time again how that is not the case at all.

I wish I could see into the future and know that Gary and I will be parents.  I am tired of dreaming it - I want to live it! In the meantime, I guess I will just keep living my life the best way I know how.  Sooner or later, we will get our happy ending.  In the meantime, I will try my best to enjoy as much of the ride as I can.  Pink lines or not.


  1. so glad for an update. I'm sorry this wasn't your month--trying to conceive is so stressful and brings up so much grief.

    That is really sweet that your friend remembered April 22nd is Allie's day. It's coming up fast--how can we be approaching the one year mark already?

  2. Ugh. This trying ttc business after loss is SO emotionally draining. We need to have control over it and yet we don't, not really anyways. I'm so sorry it hasn't happened yet. I was thinking about you the other day hoping this was going to be your month and I'm sorry it isn't. It's time, you more than deserve it and yet no pink lines!?!? Makes me want to scream. I remember not being able to read some blogs because the connection feels very lost in this time of limbo. It's okay, you need to do what's best for you. I will be thinking good thoughts for your for March!

    I'm sorry your friends shower is on Allie's day...isn't the whole world supposed to stop and mourn our babies with us...if only! It is really great that she knows that day is Allie's though <3

    Hoping you get to "live" this parenting a living child SOONER rather than later!


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