The Wait

The waiting is the hardest part
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Those lyrics from the Tom Petty song play over and over in my head now that we are "in the book".  We can get a call any day.  Or it could be 6 months.  Or double that.  So we have to wait.  And it's hard.

Now for us, it's certainly not the "hardest part", but you know what I mean! 

Last weekend we went through all of Allie's things.  It was actually quite lovely to see all the things that had been given to use for her.  Clothes galore and so much more.  Piggy banks and lamps and blankets and night lights and hats and socks and shoes and bathing suits and sunglasses and more.  I was worried it would be too hard to go through.  Instead, it was exciting to think of a time when we might need these things.  We are as close as we have ever been, I suppose.

Our "to go" pile for when we get the call!

We went shopping earlier this week and bought a few outfits in yellow.  Looking through what we had, there was a LOT of pink.  So now we have some neutral colors just in case we get the "boy" call and we do not want to freak him out.  It was exciting walking around the racks of clothes and dreaming of our baby wearing this or sleeping in that.  I never thought I would be able to say that!

Next month is Allie's 2nd birthday.  Still not sure how we want to commemorate that.  It's on a Monday and Gary and I are saving all our vacation time for when a baby comes.  I have one vacation day left from last year, though, so I am going to use it.  Not sure what I will do - most likely wait for Gary to get home so we can have a little party of our own.  Maybe go to the park and visit her tree.  Maybe set off some sky lanterns that Gary's dad gave us.  Whatever we decide, I am sure it will be right for us.  Just right for her.

My longing for my daughter has changed...I still wonder how it is that she is not here with us, but I think I may be starting to accept her absence in a way I never did before.  The last time we went to grief counseling, we realized that Gary and I were both in the same mind set.  I think, after almost 2 years, we are finally ready to "graduate" from grief counseling.  We will, of course, still keep our counselor on stand-by as she has been so valuable to us and so instrumental in our healing and we are not ready to say goodbye to her forever.  But we can say goodbye for now.   It's time.

We have been getting some feedback from our social worker and it's all positive.  We received our video this week and it's pretty cool.  I think it accurately depicts who we are and the parents we want to be.  Now we just need to get the call.    The call that is going to change our lives.  I can't wait.

Post Traumatic Growth

"Post Traumatic Growth refers to positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances. These sets of circumstances represent significant challenges to the adaptive resources of the individual, and pose significant challenges to individuals' way of understanding the world and their place in it. Post traumatic growth is not simply a return to baseline from a period of suffering; instead it is an experience of improvement that for some persons is deeply meaningful."

Have you ever heard of this?  I certainly had not!  I knew of PTSD and am fairly certain that I suffered some sort of it in the days and weeks and months after Allie died.  But there is also PTG?  I like the sound of that as I really feel that I have grown so much since those first dark days.

It's hard to know where on the spectrum we are now.  Last Friday marked 22 months since we said hello and goodbye.  Holy crap.  That's a long time.  The pain is still there.  The grief is still there.  The missing her...that, of course, is still there.  And yet it's dulled.  I guess it has to or else how do people move forward?  Learning how to move forward has been so hard.  The further away we get from the grief, the further away we get from our angel.  And yet we are discovering that we can live with her in our hearts and without as much pain.  That's nice.

I find myself happy these days - more so than in the past.  I am taking care of myself and for real this time!  I like my job and feel like I am pretty good at it (most days!).  I am back to eating healthier and exercising and decided this past weekend that I want to train for a 5k.  It will help me get some of this weight off and continue to take care of myself.  The jury is out as to whether or not I can run the whole damn thing!  I just want to complete one.

Waiting for our baby is tricky this time since we really have NO clue as to when he or she is going to get here and how he or she will arrive.  So we talk about names and dig stuff out of the basement and allow ourselves to get hopeful again. I truly believe that we are bringing a baby home this time.  And man are we ready.

Going through Allie's "stuff" has brought a lot of emotions to the surface.  The most prevalent emotion?  Desire.  As in wanting.  As in I can't wait to finally use all of the amazing things that we have that were made or gifted or bought for our child.  

My brother asked me last week if I was ready for the midnight feedings and sleepless nights.  I said we had been waiting for 2 years for that.  He nodded sadly and agreed that we were indeed still ready.

A good friend of mine had a happy and healthy and beautiful baby boy just over a week ago.  I could not go to her baby shower and she understood.  I could not buy anything for the baby before he was here and she understood.  I also could not wait to hold that little boy in my arms once he was here and she understood that, too!  I shared her joy and excitement and allowed myself to believe in pregnancy again.  To believe that pregnancies most often do result in babies.  It was glorious.  Was I scared when she hit 37 weeks and 1 day?  Yes.  Was I relieved when she hit 37 weeks and 2 days?  Absolutely.  I can't see a time in my life when I won't be.  But that's ok.

I am more cautious now.  I am more hesitant with my emotions.  But I am also still me and I am not going to suppress who I am. I am still here.

I thank my daughter for every moment I had with her.  I can't wait to tell her brother or sister all about her. 

Post Traumatic Growth.  If this aint it, I am not sure what is...

Empty Arms, Full Hearts

We are "in the book"!! That means that if a pregnant woman contacts our office any time from here on out and we meet the requirements of what she wants and she meets the requirements of what we want, she will have the chance to review our profile and choose us to parent her child.  WOW.  We will be "in the book" for the other 14 offices and 6 states by Tuesday.  We also submitted our profile to be on the adoption agency's website so we can be searched that way, too. 

The car seat has been moved from the basement to the living room.  I want to spend some time this weekend looking at what else we can still use and bring upstairs for when we get the call.

On Wednesday night, I had my annual GYN appointment. I was going to the fertility specialist so much last year that I totally forgot to make my annual appointment.  I fixed it late last year, but the first opening they had was Wednesday after work. 

I was in a panic all day.  The last time I was there was for my 6 weeks check up post-Allie.   I was nervous and sick to my stomach.  Gary offered to go with me to my appointment, but I told him I had to go alone.  We share so much and he is truly my rock, but this was something I had to do myself.  Almost to prove that I could.

With hesitation and dread, I drove to the office. As soon as I walked in the building, I saw that some of my anxiety was for nothing.  The OB/GYN patients were moved to an office down the hall!  So no more of that familiar waiting room with the familiar sounds and smells of the 37 weeks that I was there and pregnant.  Yes!!!  I  went to the new suite and recognized the receptionist right way.  She smiled and said, "It's been a while, huh?"  I replied that I was afraid to come back but had I known they moved offices, I would have been here sooner.  She smiled a kind smile. 

I sat there with playing Words With Friends on my phone and waited to be called.  When the nurse called me back, she said she was just thinking about me.  She asked where Gary was and I told her I gave him the night off.  She asked how we were.  I said we were good.  I meant it.

The doctor entered.  She is not the one who delivered Allie.  That doctor has since moved.  This is the one who did my follow up but whom I did not really have a lot of history with really.  She is friendly and warm and I assume she is good at her job and for now, to see her for 10 minutes once a year, she's more than ok.  She asked how I was and I said 2 IUI's and 2 IVF's later, I was pretty much the same as last time she saw me.  She asked if we had a plan.  I told her we were adopting.  I heard it in my voice just then.  How excited I was.  How excited I am.  I told her where we were in the process and how happy we were to grow our family this way.  She smiled and asked all the right questions.

I left a short while later.  Passed a lot of pregnant women on my way in and out.  Good for them.  But not bad for me.  Just different for me.

I got in the car any my eyes welled up.  I had tears from the the relief of the appointment being over.  But more that that, the tears were from the fact that I miss my daughter.   Man, I miss her.  I keep her memory alive the best way I can but the fact of the matter is, I would do anything to have her here with me.  Anything.  To see what she looked like now.  To see how much she had Gary wrapped around her finger.  To see her play with her cousins.  To do all the things I was so sure we would one day do.  There, in that office, she was with me all the time.  It was there that I heard her heart beat for the first time.  It's simply not fair that she is not here with us now.  And although she still is in my heart, it's not the same.  

Allie, baby, you are the reason we are adopting.  You are the reason we know without question that we want to be parenting.  Can you please use your magic up there and pick a baby for us sooner rather that later?  Our arms are tired of being empty.  I promise that a new baby will never replace you.  Our hearts are so full with love for you but there is room to love another child without taking anything away from you.  It's time, sweetheart.  It's time.

Tomorrow morning, we film our video for the adoption agency.  And then we wait.  For the call that will change our lives.  For the next chapter to begin.

Next Steps

Thanks to the "snowpocolpyse", we are not shooting our video today after all.  They were calling for massive amounts of snow - amounts like we have never seen before!  But alas, we woke up and looked outside and it looked like any other February morning.  But not to worry - we are simply delayed one week and this delay will not hinder our process which is the most important thing. 

As I type, Gary is hard at work at making the final edits to our Profile Book.  This is our marketing tool - our way of advertising us - so it has to be perfect!  We had a meeting earlier this week where we got some helpful tips and our goal is to have our new and improved version to our social worker first thing Monday.  Then she will review it, get back to us with any comments and we will make any necessary changes. Once she approves it completely, we will make 15 copies and get them to her office.  

We also need to fill our our Profile Key.  This 2 page "key" allows us to select race and about a hundred other things that we are either ok or not ok with when it comes to choosing our child.  Then our Profile Book gets sent to the offices in all the states that are agency is in (some in PA, the rest in NY, NJ, CT, VA, DE) and with our Profile Key with it, we are officially "in the book".  So our hopes are to be "in the book" in less than a week.

Next Saturday, we will film our 5 minute video which is just a way of bringing us to life a bit.  They are shot right at our agency and everyone gets the standard 5 minutes to talk about themselves.  It's pretty high level, but it can give the birth mother a better idea of who we are than from just looking at us on paper. From what we understand, a birth mother may narrow down who she is interested in and then may use the videos to help her make her final decision.  We should have that part in the bag!

30% of the placements are Emergency Placements.  A birth mother goes to the hospital, has no plan, calls our agency.  From there, a social worker will review the Profile Keys to determine who is a right match for that baby, show the birth mother those Profile Books and she will make a choice. In that case, the adoptive parents will get a call one day that their baby is here (or almost here) and what hospital they need to get to in order to meet their baby!

The rest of the placements are more planned.  A pregnant woman will go to the agency and seek counseling and support and spend a bit more time making an adoption plan for her baby.  We could get a call that we have been "matched" and that our baby is due in ____ and _____ wants to meet us.  In that case, our social worker will arrange a visit and we all get to meet each other and make sure the match works, make a plan for the delivery room (can we be there?) and make a plan for our baby's future.

Sometimes there are babies that will be close to what our Profile Key indicates and we will get a phone call or an email asking if we are ok with the different aspect and do we want our Profile Book shown to this birth mother? In that case, we will have to sit down and review the history and make our best guess as to what we are and are not comfortable with. If we are ok with being shown, we will know that we could then be chosen rather soon.

It's a lot, huh?

In the meantime, we wait.  Our agency has a great reputation and we could not be more fond of our social worker.  We have to trust the process and trust that what will happen will be the right thing for us.  Our baby is out there - we are just not sure what path he or she will take to get to us.  And of course the waiting game is going to be rough!

I am the only expectant mother I know who had a glass of wine with dinner the other night and knew it was ok!  I can also eat sushi and soft cheeses! It's like I am pregnant in my head and heart, but not in my body.  It's a whole new journey for us.  For me.

At our meeting last week, they gave us a list of things to have on hand for when we get the call.  Remember, 30% of the time, we might only have time to put our dishes in the sink and get a move on!  It's so scary and exciting.  And hard.  Gary wants to pack a "Go Bag".  I can't.  We each had one from when I was pregnant and we took such care to pack them with all we could ever want - batteries for our camera, a few outfits for Allie, important phone numbers...we were so excited to always make sure we had our "Go Bags" with us at all times. Here is picture from the back of Gary's car in early April 2011. It looks like we had some other baby stuff in there, too.  And why wouldn't we?

So my plan now is to have the list from the Agency readily available.  And when we get that call, then we pack.  And if we forget something?  Screw it.  We buy it on the way or call one of our moms or brothers to bring it with them.  Because my gut says there is no holding them back!

It's a different world for us out there - but still one filled with promise and hope and love.  We could not be more excited to see how our next chapter reads!

Mission Adoptable

Well, we did it.  We hosted an amazing fundraiser this past Sunday.  We had 104 people attend and raised twice the amount of money that we were hoping to raise!  We are still on track to be shown to birth moms right around Valentine's Day.  I feel hope.  I feel lucky.  I feel good.

I did not think that I would have the capacity to feel any of those things not too long ago. I will admit now that I was so wrong.


One of the many tables of supporters



Crowd shot

The event was from 12-4.  We got there around 10 and started setting up.  A former coworker of mine donated her DJ services.  Another friend offered to help run the basket donations.  Gary's dad and brother, as well as my brother, sold raffle tickets like they have never been sold before.  One friend donated the beer.  Some family donated the wine.  We got a discount on the food as the owner of the restaurant we used also used adoption to grow his family.  We had more than 15 baskets to raffle and many gift cards, certificates good for ski lifts, house painting, my hair saloon and more.  I was watching it all come in and unfold and was mesmerized. All of this for us?

We ran out of hot food within the first 2 hours and had to order 10 pizzas!  We never expected the turnout to be as grand as it was!

We had support from the start..."How can I help?" was texted and emailed to me over and over.  We had support setting up.  We had support breaking everything down.  I remember my mom telling me to take a minute to absorb the magnitude of the day...and the love that was in the fire hall that day.  


We had an agenda that we tried to abide by...welcome announcement at this time, 50/50 raffle at that time.  My dear husband who is usually much more introverted than I am, worked that room like it was something he did every Sunday!   We saw so many people from our life interacting and laughing and having a good time.  I saw faces that I had not seen in years.  We had friends come in from Connecticut to Virginia and states in-between!

The pictures are starting to come in. Here is a small sampling. We are going to use some of the group shots for our Profile Book so that we can show just how much love and light is in our lives.

The event was such a success that our Adoption Social Worker asked me to write an article about it for their company newsletter!

Our story is not over.  Our daughter made sure of that.  A new chapter is about to begin.

Our nephews and niece orchestrated a karaoke contest.  Gary and I tied!



"Here Comes the Sun" - our song for Allie and now her little brother or sister



Some of our loving friends



Some of the generous donations to be raffled off



Another popular raffle

 


Baskets everywhere!

Desserts For Sale - BIG hit!

From the personal piggy bank of a special little boy

Home Study

On Wednesday, our Adoption Social Worker came over for our Home Sudy.  It was the last part of the evaluation and the "in-person" segment of all the paperwork that was due earlier this month.  We cleaned and dusted and vacuumed and left work early to eagerly await her arrival.

We really like our social worker.  She is honest and compassionate and I would imagine she takes a lot of pride in her job. I would also imagine her job is much more than that to her.  She came in to our house and we gave her the tour.  It was a brief one - this is the kitchen, this is the garage...but enough for her to see where our baby will one day live. We showed her our guest room and explained that it will one day be converted back into a nursery and we are looking forward to having a reason to do that.

Then we sat at the dining room table and began to talk.  She asked us some questions about the paperwork we filled out and then we had the chance to ask her some of our questions, too.  We had an informative conversation and talked frankly and openly.  We had given her an advance copy of our Profile Book (the book that will be used for potential birth mothers to get to know us) and she had a few suggestions for us to make to it.  

She told us that in getting to know us on paper and in person, she can tell how much Allie is a part of our lives.  She pointed to the chair next to her and said that she was so sure that Allie was even at this table with us right now.  But she warned us to be careful in how we tell our story.  We do not want a pregnant woman to feel sorry for us and then give us her baby - we want her to give us her child because she knows that Gary and I are the right parents for that child.  It hurt me a little bit to think that we came off that way - I do not now nor did I ever want any pity, but I could see what she was saying.  If you do not know us and you only know 8-10 pages of us, reading Allie's story can create sympathy.  And perhaps pity.  So we are going to fix it so that in the same short amount of pages, we can create joy and light - the emotions that we still feel when thinking about our daughter.  We want anyone reading to know we are strong and that knowing our daughter has made us better people - and that is the opposite of pity!

And about an hour later, she left.  We felt it was a very good visit and we were relieved that we could check one more thing off of our list.  We smiled and hugged and felt good.  We went to dinner to celebrate.  

Earlier today, we got an email with the official home study approval attached!  We are good to go!!!

We have a 1/2 day class on February 6th to review our Profile Book and discuss how they are going to "market" us.  One February 9th, we get together to make a 5 minute video for potential birth moms to see.  Then, once our Profile Book is edited and reviewed and printed, we go "live".  In essence, we could be shown to birth mothers as soon as mid-February!  Which means we could be matched while there is still snow on the ground. Or it could take longer.  We will have to be patient and see.  One thing is for sure, our baby is out there for us - I just know it!

This weekend is our big fundraiser.  Even without ticket sales, we have already raised over $5,000!!!  And the gifts and donations keep coming.  We are expecting well over 100 people to come out on Sunday and are so excited that so many want to come out and help us and love us and be there for us.  What a blessing.  If I think too much about it, it brings tears to my eyes.

I am so very thankful.  I can't wait until the day I can blog with my baby boy or girl sitting (or squirming!) in my lap.  I am starting to let myself imagine what it will look like for Gary to read our child a book before bed.   To imagine the guest room turned back into a nursery.  To almost hear the sounds of laughter and giggling within these walls.  It feels so good to have hope again.  To know that there will be a baby here with us some day.  Maybe even some day soon!

Just the Beginning

It started when we lost Allie.  People wanted to do all that they could to help us.  They sent food.  They sent flowers.  They sent cards.  Many wanted to come over and sit with us.  Most wanted to take the pain away.  As the dust settled and the hours turned to days and days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months, what I remember most of those dark days was the pain.  What I remember next was that we were never alone.

After a tedious year of medical intervention and stress and injections and hormones, we decided enough was enough.  We were physically and mentally exhausted and we made no progress to grow our family and we were not doing as much as we could do to honor our daughter, either.

Making the plan to adopt was easy once we we decided that was what we wanted to do. Gary and I were and are on the same page and knew that we wanted to be parents...how we got there was not really the issue! The more time that has passed and the more papers that we have filled out has just confirmed that this is so right for us.  We have a whole day education class this week and I can't wait to spend time with other people like us that have also made adoption their plan. 

The only issue that bothers me is that I can't really plan for a baby like I could when I was pregnant.  I have no idea if our baby has been conceived yet (I suspect her or she has!). I can't call and set up my FMLA for work as I have no expected date as to when I will be out on leave.  I can't think of what we will do when we first bring the baby home because we have never gotten that far before.  As different as the path of adoption is, the planning for a baby is familiar territory for us.  But the rest is not.  

I do not want to set up the nursery until we have the baby here with us, in our arms.  I am not sure I can stand the emptiness of that room again.  We have a boy name and we have a girl name so in that respect, we are ahead of the game.  But no shopping, no shower, no anything until we have our baby home.  I suppose that is normal for parents who have lost a child, but I don't always love our new normal.

Still, I choose not to dwell on that and instead focus on the positives.  I wrote before about Random Acts, but I still can't wrap my head around the kindness of the people that have donated money to us to help us bring our baby home.  We are hosting a fundraiser event at the end of this month and have over 90 people coming out to support us.  We have already raised more money than I had hoped and that's without selling a single ticket!  I should have listened harder when people said they wanted to help because they really do. The icing in the cake?  I went to talk to a local restaurant on Friday to discuss them catering our event and the owner adopted his daughter.  His eyes welled up when I explained that our benefit was to help with the adoption costs.  He gave us a huge discount and is coming over to set it all up for free.  Amazing.

This baby, our rainbow, will be raised by a village.  He or she has already been welcomed into our family.  His or her cousins are ready to play with him or her.  My mom said she can already feel the baby in her arms.  I know Gary and I feel that there is more than enough room in our hearts.  And as it gets closer, we will physically get ready for our baby, too.  Allie's little brother or sister is coming...we may not know how and we may not know when, but one thing is for sure, our baby will someday (soon) be coming home!  

It started when we lost Allie.  But it will not and did not end when we lost Allie.  She was just the beginning.