It started when we lost Allie. People wanted to do all that they could to help us. They sent food. They sent flowers. They sent cards. Many wanted to come over and sit with us. Most wanted to take the pain away. As the dust settled and the hours turned to days and days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months, what I remember most of those dark days was the pain. What I remember next was that we were never alone.
After a tedious year of medical intervention and stress and injections and hormones, we decided enough was enough. We were physically and mentally exhausted and we made no progress to grow our family and we were not doing as much as we could do to honor our daughter, either.
Making the plan to adopt was easy once we we decided that was what we wanted to do. Gary and I were and are on the same page and knew that we wanted to be parents...how we got there was not really the issue! The more time that has passed and the more papers that we have filled out has just confirmed that this is so right for us. We have a whole day education class this week and I can't wait to spend time with other people like us that have also made adoption their plan.
The only issue that bothers me is that I can't really plan for a baby like I could when I was pregnant. I have no idea if our baby has been conceived yet (I suspect her or she has!). I can't call and set up my FMLA for work as I have no expected date as to when I will be out on leave. I can't think of what we will do when we first bring the baby home because we have never gotten that far before. As different as the path of adoption is, the planning for a baby is familiar territory for us. But the rest is not.
I do not want to set up the nursery until we have the baby here with us, in our arms. I am not sure I can stand the emptiness of that room again. We have a boy name and we have a girl name so in that respect, we are ahead of the game. But no shopping, no shower, no anything until we have our baby home. I suppose that is normal for parents who have lost a child, but I don't always love our new normal.
Still, I choose not to dwell on that and instead focus on the positives. I wrote before about Random Acts, but I still can't wrap my head around the kindness of the people that have donated money to us to help us bring our baby home. We are hosting a fundraiser event at the end of this month and have over 90 people coming out to support us. We have already raised more money than I had hoped and that's without selling a single ticket! I should have listened harder when people said they wanted to help because they really do. The icing in the cake? I went to talk to a local restaurant on Friday to discuss them catering our event and the owner adopted his daughter. His eyes welled up when I explained that our benefit was to help with the adoption costs. He gave us a huge discount and is coming over to set it all up for free. Amazing.
This baby, our rainbow, will be raised by a village. He or she has already been welcomed into our family. His or her cousins are ready to play with him or her. My mom said she can already feel the baby in her arms. I know Gary and I feel that there is more than enough room in our hearts. And as it gets closer, we will physically get ready for our baby, too. Allie's little brother or sister is coming...we may not know how and we may not know when, but one thing is for sure, our baby will someday (soon) be coming home!
It started when we lost Allie. But it will not and did not end when we lost Allie. She was just the beginning.