Empty Arms, Full Hearts

We are "in the book"!! That means that if a pregnant woman contacts our office any time from here on out and we meet the requirements of what she wants and she meets the requirements of what we want, she will have the chance to review our profile and choose us to parent her child.  WOW.  We will be "in the book" for the other 14 offices and 6 states by Tuesday.  We also submitted our profile to be on the adoption agency's website so we can be searched that way, too. 

The car seat has been moved from the basement to the living room.  I want to spend some time this weekend looking at what else we can still use and bring upstairs for when we get the call.

On Wednesday night, I had my annual GYN appointment. I was going to the fertility specialist so much last year that I totally forgot to make my annual appointment.  I fixed it late last year, but the first opening they had was Wednesday after work. 

I was in a panic all day.  The last time I was there was for my 6 weeks check up post-Allie.   I was nervous and sick to my stomach.  Gary offered to go with me to my appointment, but I told him I had to go alone.  We share so much and he is truly my rock, but this was something I had to do myself.  Almost to prove that I could.

With hesitation and dread, I drove to the office. As soon as I walked in the building, I saw that some of my anxiety was for nothing.  The OB/GYN patients were moved to an office down the hall!  So no more of that familiar waiting room with the familiar sounds and smells of the 37 weeks that I was there and pregnant.  Yes!!!  I  went to the new suite and recognized the receptionist right way.  She smiled and said, "It's been a while, huh?"  I replied that I was afraid to come back but had I known they moved offices, I would have been here sooner.  She smiled a kind smile. 

I sat there with playing Words With Friends on my phone and waited to be called.  When the nurse called me back, she said she was just thinking about me.  She asked where Gary was and I told her I gave him the night off.  She asked how we were.  I said we were good.  I meant it.

The doctor entered.  She is not the one who delivered Allie.  That doctor has since moved.  This is the one who did my follow up but whom I did not really have a lot of history with really.  She is friendly and warm and I assume she is good at her job and for now, to see her for 10 minutes once a year, she's more than ok.  She asked how I was and I said 2 IUI's and 2 IVF's later, I was pretty much the same as last time she saw me.  She asked if we had a plan.  I told her we were adopting.  I heard it in my voice just then.  How excited I was.  How excited I am.  I told her where we were in the process and how happy we were to grow our family this way.  She smiled and asked all the right questions.

I left a short while later.  Passed a lot of pregnant women on my way in and out.  Good for them.  But not bad for me.  Just different for me.

I got in the car any my eyes welled up.  I had tears from the the relief of the appointment being over.  But more that that, the tears were from the fact that I miss my daughter.   Man, I miss her.  I keep her memory alive the best way I can but the fact of the matter is, I would do anything to have her here with me.  Anything.  To see what she looked like now.  To see how much she had Gary wrapped around her finger.  To see her play with her cousins.  To do all the things I was so sure we would one day do.  There, in that office, she was with me all the time.  It was there that I heard her heart beat for the first time.  It's simply not fair that she is not here with us now.  And although she still is in my heart, it's not the same.  

Allie, baby, you are the reason we are adopting.  You are the reason we know without question that we want to be parenting.  Can you please use your magic up there and pick a baby for us sooner rather that later?  Our arms are tired of being empty.  I promise that a new baby will never replace you.  Our hearts are so full with love for you but there is room to love another child without taking anything away from you.  It's time, sweetheart.  It's time.

Tomorrow morning, we film our video for the adoption agency.  And then we wait.  For the call that will change our lives.  For the next chapter to begin.