Friday, March 8, 2013

The Wait

The waiting is the hardest part
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Those lyrics from the Tom Petty song play over and over in my head now that we are "in the book".  We can get a call any day.  Or it could be 6 months.  Or double that.  So we have to wait.  And it's hard.

Now for us, it's certainly not the "hardest part", but you know what I mean! 

Last weekend we went through all of Allie's things.  It was actually quite lovely to see all the things that had been given to use for her.  Clothes galore and so much more.  Piggy banks and lamps and blankets and night lights and hats and socks and shoes and bathing suits and sunglasses and more.  I was worried it would be too hard to go through.  Instead, it was exciting to think of a time when we might need these things.  We are as close as we have ever been, I suppose.
Our "to go" pile for when we get the call!

We went shopping earlier this week and bought a few outfits in yellow.  Looking through what we had, there was a LOT of pink.  So now we have some neutral colors just in case we get the "boy" call and we do not want to freak him out.  It was exciting walking around the racks of clothes and dreaming of our baby wearing this or sleeping in that.  I never thought I would be able to say that!

Next month is Allie's 2nd birthday.  Still not sure how we want to commemorate that.  It's on a Monday and Gary and I are saving all our vacation time for when a baby comes.  I have one vacation day left from last year, though, so I am going to use it.  Not sure what I will do - most likely wait for Gary to get home so we can have a little party of our own.  Maybe go to the park and visit her tree.  Maybe set off some sky lanterns that Gary's dad gave us.  Whatever we decide, I am sure it will be right for us.  Just right for her.

My longing for my daughter has changed...I still wonder how it is that she is not here with us, but I think I may be starting to accept her absence in a way I never did before.  The last time we went to grief counseling, we realized that Gary and I were both in the same mind set.  I think, after almost 2 years, we are finally ready to "graduate" from grief counseling.  We will, of course, still keep our counselor on stand-by as she has been so valuable to us and so instrumental in our healing and we are not ready to say goodbye to her forever.  But we can say goodbye for now.   It's time.

We have been getting some feedback from our social worker and it's all positive.  We received our video this week and it's pretty cool.  I think it accurately depicts who we are and the parents we want to be.  Now we just need to get the call.    The call that is going to change our lives.  I can't wait.

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