Sunday, July 10, 2011

Next Week

Next weekend, Gary and I are heading to Chicago.  I have never been and always wanted to go.  Gary was there once for work, but never saw more than the airport, the hotel and the meeting spaces he was in.  We are going to do as much as we can and enjoy it and each other as much as we can.  We were not supposed to have the time or funds to be able to go away now, but instead of sitting at home and wallowing, we are going to get on a plane and make new memories.  I was excited when we first talked about it, but now that it’s getting closer, I am really looking forward to it.  I think we both need this getaway. 

Before we go, I need to see the dentist.  This is the one appointment I have been dreading since April.  The last time I went to see him, I was pregnant and glowing (or sweating – I did a lot of both when I was expecting!).  I have been going to the same dentist for at least a decade and every 6 months, it feels like I have a lot to say when he is cleaning my gums.  I promised the office staff and the dentist that I would bring Allie in once she was here and show her around.  I have wanted to stop by or call to let them know that there would be no such visit, but how do you do that?  Gary offered to stop in for me as well, but he is not even a patient there!  As my brother- in- law would say, “Awkward, Party of 1?  Your table is now ready.” 

So every night when I brush and every month when I floss (try as I might I just can’t remember to do it that often!!), I have this upcoming appointment in the back of my mind.  Gary has been able to take the bullet for me time and again (work, friends, family) but this is one I have to do alone.  I know I can, I am just scared.  They will be so sad for me, I just know it.  Damn, I wish my appointment was not at 8am and that there was a bar in the waiting room!  

Thursday is the dentist.  My reward is a trip to the hair salon after work that same day.  And then off to the airport on Friday afternoon for our getaway.  I will try to focus on my highlights and blow out and then our trip instead of my cleaning.  Look on the bright side and towards fun things, not on the dark side and towards sorrow.

My emotions are a little bit more in check these days.   I can be happy, but not without being sad.  This morning I woke up and realized I had my first dream about Allie.  She was a little girl that I was allowed to see, but not allowed to hold.  It wrecked me.  I shared it with Gary, we hugged and cried, and then we came downstairs to start our day.   My highs are nice but my lows are still painful.  I feel a little less broken, which is a treat.  I think I bounce back more quickly.  I see positive sides of situations more so than I did even last week.  I am looking forward and I am hopeful.  

It needs to be said that I am so in love with my husband and grateful for every single second that he loves me.   He reminds me that Allie is in our heart always and that if we go out, she is always with us.  He reminds me that we did nothing wrong and her death was really just a terrible accident.  He reminds me that we will be parents in some way to a living child before this life is done.  He reminds me that he loves me.  He is for sure the best thing in the world.

My goal is to make it through this week and look forward to going to the city that Ferris Bueller made famous.  I want to laugh and have fun and enjoy being alive.  I want to have a terrific time and something tells me, I just might!  With my new hair cut and freshly cleaned teeth, how can I not?  :)


  1. Hi Samantha,
    I am new to your blog so just an intro. I am sorry for the loss of your little girl Allie. I wish we weren't going through this kind of thing. I am six months out tomorrow and while it gets easer, for me certain days are triggers. Each month I move further away from my Leia being born seems just a little bit wrong. I also read your earlier post about your chromosone testing being messed up. I'd be giving someone a piece of my mind if that happened to me. So anyways, I hope you and your husband have a good time in Chicagoland. Oh and I hate my trips to the dentist too.

  2. You are so amazing. I wish I had a quarter of the strength you have. You Gary and Allie have taught me so much. I am really blessed to know you and to be able to follow this journey, even thought I would do anything to have prevented it. I think about you guys and keep you in my prayers daily. You will LOVE Chicago it is a very fun city!

  3. I hope you have a fun trip...I'm sure lots of new memories will be made. You and Gary are so incredibly lucky to have each other.

    Good luck at the dentist...I'm sure that is not going to be easy. xoxo

  4. Have fun in Chicago, I was just there for the 4th! It is a great city to explore. :)

    I also cancelled my dentist appt, scheduled for one week before my due date, 5 weeks from my loss. I am considering switching dentists rather than go back there. Even though I know with one sentence I would be past the hard part. It's weird how we have had to do so many hard and brave things, something relatively "easy" becomes stressful. Good luck getting through it.

    Also, your husband sounds great <3

  5. I want to wish you good luck at the dentist! I know it will be hart to tell them. I know it's hard, I still have to tell clients (I work at a vet clinic) who I've helped for a long time and don't know what happened and it's been almost 3 months. But I think that since you seem like a women who looks on the brighter side (like myself) that it will give you a chance to talk about your daughter Allie! I find that it can be hard to talk about butany given chance to talk about my daughter I will! Sending you hugs!
    PS have a great and your husband deserve it!


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