Saturday, June 16, 2012

The Blame Game

We do not deal much in facts when we are contemplating ourselves.  ~Mark Twain 

Calling all moms who read my blog...I need your help.  I have been given an assignment by our grief counselor to talk to you (and I will bring this issue up at my next UNITE meeting, but that's not till July).

At our session on Monday, we were chatting away, making strides, healing, if you will, when the topic came up of my physical self.  Normally I do all I can to steer the conversation in another direction, but this time, neither our therapist nor Gary would let me call the shots.  We began to discuss my physical health and what I am doing to take care of myself and how I feel about myself when suddenly, my eyes started to burn and tears started to form. 

Taking a deep breath, I tried to explain that I was not too concerned with my physical well being as I was (am) pretty damn mad at my body. It was my body's responsibility to take care of my baby and it failed me. My body failed me.  My body was supposed to nourish and support my baby.  And it didn't.  And she died.

Now in my head, I know it's not simple as that.  I know in my head that I went to every doctor's appointment and stayed away from wine and sushi and soft cheeses and made sure to get rest and drink fluids and the list goes on and on.  No medical person or layperson ever thought for one moment that I was doing anything wrong because I wasn't.  And yet, I still blame myself.  I look at my body in the mirror and I want to tear it apart, limb by limb, piece by piece for letting me down.  For letting our daughter down.

Is this why I am not pregnant again?  Because I can't let myself off the hook and because I am carrying all this anger inside of me? I do not think so, and yet, I am sure it's not helping.  It did not help that 2 days after our appointment, I got a negative pregnancy test - again.

Could it be that I am onto something here?  Maybe I need to really work on myself, from the inside out, and make myself ready to carry a sibling for Allie.  Maybe I have no choice anymore.  I can't pretend it's not an issue when it clearly is one.

So moms - am I the only one that feels this way?  Did you blame yourself when you lost your babies?  I know rationally it makes no sense, but I can't be the only one that feels this way. If you do not want to reply here, please send me a private message via email.  I need this sisterhood now more than ever.

It was brought to my attention this week by some people that love us most in the world, that they are also worried about me and not sure I am ready to move forward and get pregnant again.  I got so angry and embarrassed - when did my health become an issue for anyone else for me?  But I know it came from a place of love and all I could say was that I am trying - each and every moment of each and every day to move on from the grief and the pain and the sorrow.  I am trying my best.

It does not please me when my head and my heart at not on the same page. So I am working on getting them back aligned.  And that means taking care of them both.

5 comments:

  1. Yes, I know how it is to feel deeply that my body failed to do the one things that was most important - to bring my firstborn daughter safely into this world. I just (barely 10 minutes ago) posted about the guilt I have carried over not knowing what was going on inside of me when Elizabeth got hurt, and about how it is taking a second time through to re-work those memories, to be more accurate about what I could and could not have known or done. I am feeling lighter with some of that guilt gone, and I hope you are able to move in that direction, too. I don't think it can be rushed or forced, though. These things take their own meandering time. And nobody else has the right to decide what you are and are not ready for. Hugs and peace to you.

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  2. Oh, Samantha, I have definitely struggled with this over the past ten mo tha since we lost our twins. We are both infertile, but as time goes by, it feels more my fault that we had such a hard time conceiving the first time and that now it seems we can't. Our loss is fully attributed to my body - a polyp grew in my cervical canal during pregnancy and bled for so many weeks that it ruined my mucus plug, and it went to hell shortly thereafter. Our daughter's water broke at 14w1d and they were born the next.

    I was diagnosed with postpartum depression 6-months post-loss and have been in weekly counseling on my own since. It's been tremendously helpful...but so has he gift of time. I am finally at the point that most of the time I understand and accept in both my head AND my heart that I didn't cause this to happen, and also that my soul, my essence, in habits this body. I am *not* my body or its polyp-growing mistake.

    Peace and hugs...

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  3. I think we all blame ourselves to some extent. On one hand I know it was a cord accident that took Addi, but I am the one who wanted to wait for her to come on her own and not be induced...I said no to the early induction because I didn't know that she could be in danger no one told me that could happen. I thought I was making the best decision for her and now...well now I never stop thinking about how that one decision could have changed everything. Sure something bad still could have happened, but we will never know. I have never gotten over that and if you HAD to be in a good place to get pregnant again I know so many of us who wouldn't have our rainbows and we do. Whatever you can do for yourself is excellent, but don't let anyone tell you what place you need to be in to get pregnant. Love to you and Allie.

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  4. I'm sure whoever told you that meant well, but unless they have had a baby die inside of them and then given birth to that baby, they cannot even begin to understand all of the complicated emotions and therefore should not comment on whether or not you are "moving on" in a satisfactory way. I'm sorry they made you feel bad :(

    I blamed myself for a long time, and still have thoughts of blame, but they have lessened. I always aske myself why didn't my body KNOW something was going wrong? I have forgiven my body, for the most part. It does help being pregnant again, because I feel like it's a second chance for my body to prove itself. That being said, I am not as healthy as I would like to be and that makes me feel guilty. Because my weight and eating habits are something that I CAN control (unlike Kayla dying), but for some reason I don't control it. But we have to be gentle with ourselves. LIke Addi's mom said, if being in perfect physical and mental health was a requirement for pregnancy, no one would be able to get pregnant! I think it's great that you want to work on your physical and emotional health though, because you will be so much stronger for your next pregnancy. Sorry about the negative test :( Big hugs!!

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  5. Honey I feel guilty every day. I'm so sorry.

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