Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Need for...what?

I feel like I need to write today and yet, I am not sure what I want to say.  Usually I have a topic in mind before I start, but I figured this time, I would just start typing and see what comes out.

A few people have asked me if the holiday season is hard for me this year and my answer is yes and no.  It's hard because it's just one more thing that my baby will not be here for, but it's not any harder than any other day.  Because we celebrate Hanukkah with my side of the family and Christmas with Gary's side of the family, it's not like the season culminates in one day for us like it does it so many other households.  No, for us, it's 8 nights of lighting the menorah that she will never see and then 1 full day of Christmas cheer that she will never hear.


Next week is 8 months that she is gone.  I carried her for just a little longer than that.  Soon it will be 9 months and then 10 months and before I know it, she will have been gone even longer than she was even here.  That makes me sad.

I need something...but I am not sure what it is.  I need to be a mom to a living child.  Someone told me recently that they do not like that expression and guess what?  Nor do I.  But it is what it is.  I need to get pregnant again, but apparently my body is not ready for that just yet.  I need to feel that there is more to life than sorrow and pain, and some days I do.  Other days, it's just too hard.

Last year this time, we had just found out we were having a girl.  I never imagined a scenario in which should would not be here with us this year.  Damn.

I am angry and sad and fearful and mad.  I do not feel like shopping and I do not feel like celebrating.  But I am here, my family is stronger than ever, I have nieces and nephews that want to play and I will NOT miss out on all of that.

So up I get each and every day...just waiting for that something that I hope one day will come. 

4 comments:

  1. Hugs, Samantha. You carried your darling girl much longer than I carried my twins, so for me, that "you've been gone longer than you were here" thing has already passed,and it sucked. We're not sure what to make of the holidays...I dread them to my core, and yet love to see the lights and the decorations...I just don't want to receive any gifts or be subject to anyone else's expectations of how we should be, you know?

    However you get through both of your holidays, I'm sending you hugs and love and strength...

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  2. "I want to parent a living child" it is horrible...but so true. Who has to say that?!?!? We do :( glad you wrote even without a topic in mind...that's been my problem, so much on my mind but where to start...maybe I will write now that you have inspired me :)

    Almost 8 months away from your girl :( the she's been gone longer than she was here really does suck! I'm sorry you aren't pregnant yet...this time line you are at is when it happened for Brian and I...hoping the same holds true for you guys, while it isn't a cure it does bring hope and damn I wish I could give you some hope! That ache for your girl never goes away though. Missing both our baby A's xxxooo

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  3. I am coming up on the point of her being gone as long as she was here, too (I think it's next week actually, I will have to count!) I have been a mess the past few days I think the Christmas season is just catching up with me. I definitely don't feel as peaceful as I did a month ago.

    You WILL be a mother to a living baby one day, hopefully sooner than later. Hopefully we all get through the holidays in one piece.

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