And so, it's over. Halloween, that is. Sigh. One of the first things I thought of when I found out I was pregnant with Allie was what she would be for Halloween. Would she be a princess or Wonder Woman (as in, would I get to choose her costume or would her dad?). Would we go trick or treat with my brother and sister-in-law or with his brother and sister-in-law? Maybe we would do both! Would there be a parade at her daycare? Would we get together with any of our friends so all the little ones could dress up as we stood around thinking how adorable they all were?
But that was just not the way Halloween was for me this year. There were no costumes, no trick or treating, no candy, no parades. It seems to sum up how I feel this week - I was expecting the most and I got the least. I refuse to change my expectations, though. It's just not who I am.
Gary pointed out to me the other day that since Allie has died, we have new anniversaries...1 month since she died...6 months since she died...the first summer without her...now the first Fall without her. I long for the time when we only celebrated happy things. I long for the time when I did not know this pain. But I accept this pain as it reminds me of the 37 weeks I had with our daughter growing inside of my, just under my heart. In so many ways, she is still there. Maybe in more ways that I even know.
Happy Halloween, sweetheart. We love you.