I am pleased to report that the manic craziness of my last post has subsided. It pretty much had by the time I blogged that day. I was able to go to that hospital that evening and hold my friend's little infant girl and instead of crying or feeling sad for myself, I felt happy and joy and elation over this new healthy baby. What a relief! We took turns holding her and taking pictures and any tears were that of joy. We even stopped on our way to the hospital and bought a present. Two presents, actually! My new mantra is no presents until the babies are here. And then once they born, I figured I would make Gary shop. I mean, how can I look for little girl presents? Turns out, I can. Who knew? (Note the proud Daddy in the background here!).
The next day, we met my sister-in-law and niece for ice cream. My brother was away for the weekend and Gary and I had not seen Ella in a few weeks since we have been traveling so much so we decided to meet up. We had a great time and I love this pic that Gary took of us. I think there is a definite family resemblance!
On Sunday, Gary ran his first 10k. I was so very proud of him. My mom and I went and walked some of the course which was more fun than you would think! It was on the Benjamin Franklin Bridge which connects Philadelphia to New Jersey and there were over 4,000 participants. I love that each step Gary runs is for our little girl. He trains for her, he runs for her, he thrives for her. It makes me melt.
He runs...I write. It works for us.
So what now? We are now THIS close to the holiday season. The temperature has dropped and there is holiday music on in the stores. There is no turning back now. I am sad a lot lately. Sad that Allie will not be here for Thanksgiving. Sad that she won't be here when I light the Hanukkah candles. Sad that we do not need to run out and get her a snow suit or start baby proofing the house.
Gary has become a "glass is half full" guy. He focuses on what we do have and what we will have. My glass is pretty empty these days. I have no baby, I am not pregnant...ugh. I want to live in the moment, but I am finding it so damn hard. I smile on some days. I laugh when I can. I go to work. I take pleasure in what I can. But this void that I feel is so, well, empty. And it sucks. I guess it's all part of the grief process.
This is so not what I thought this season was going to be like this year. Not at all.