Thursday, November 10, 2011

Out of Sorts

I am pleased to report that the manic craziness of my last post has subsided.  It pretty much had by the time I blogged that day.  I was able to go to that hospital that evening and hold my friend's little infant girl and instead of crying or feeling sad for myself, I felt happy and joy and elation over this new healthy baby.  What a relief!  We took turns holding her and taking pictures and any tears were that of joy.  We even stopped on our way to the hospital and bought a present. Two presents, actually!  My new mantra is no presents until the babies are here.  And then once they born, I figured I would make Gary shop.  I mean, how can I look for little girl presents?  Turns out, I can.  Who knew?  (Note the proud Daddy in the background here!). 

The next day, we met my sister-in-law and niece for ice cream.  My brother was away for the weekend and Gary and I had not seen Ella in a few weeks since we have been traveling so much so we decided to meet up.  We had a great time and I love this pic that Gary took of us.  I think there is a definite family resemblance! 

On Sunday, Gary ran his first 10k.  I was so very proud of him.  My mom and I went and walked some of the course which was more fun than you would think!  It was on the Benjamin Franklin Bridge which connects Philadelphia to New Jersey and there were over 4,000 participants. I love that each step Gary runs is for our little girl.  He trains for her, he runs for her, he thrives for her.  It makes me melt.

He runs...I write.  It works for us.

So what now?  We are now THIS close to the holiday season.  The temperature has dropped and there is holiday music on in the stores.  There is no turning back now.  I am sad a lot lately.  Sad that Allie will not be here for Thanksgiving.  Sad that she won't be here when I light the Hanukkah candles.  Sad that we do not need to run out and get her a snow suit or start baby proofing the house. 

Gary has become a "glass is half full" guy.  He focuses on what we do have and what we will have. My glass is pretty empty these days.  I have no baby, I am not pregnant...ugh.  I want to live in the moment, but I am finding it so damn hard.  I smile on some days.  I laugh when I can.  I go to work.  I take pleasure in what I can.  But this void that I feel is so, well, empty.  And it sucks.  I guess it's all part of the grief process.  

This is so not what I thought this season was going to be like this year.  Not at all.


  1. Wow. You were very brave for going to the hospital. I have our first nephew due two months after our twins should have been born and I'm so afraid of that day. He was conceived 6 weeks after our twins and has now gestated 8 weeks longer than they did (we lost them at 14w2d). I'm afraid he'll always remind me of what I lost. I'm scared about the holidays, too. Life is so unfair when you've lost your baby/ies, isn't it?

  2. Yes, very brave! I have held babies but can't really pose for pictures with them yet. I am so glad you were able to go and be happy in the moment! I love that picture of you and your niece! It's definitely ok for your glass to feel empty right now. The holidays are going to be hard and I'll be relieved when they are over.

  3. Oh yes this season is NOTHING like it should be. I get the glass half empty thing and it must be a guy thing because I swear Brian is the same way...or maybe they are just trying to balance our half empty ones...who knows.

    And the cute puffy pink snow suits...still in Addi's drawers from last year. If only they had been warn. This sucks.

  4. Gosh, good for you! I still haven't held a baby except for my own niece who i wasn't brave enough to hold or meet until she was nine months old. And this is my second year of holidays post loss, and I've come to realize it may never again be like I thought. Hang in there.


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