Rock Bottom

This morning, I hit rock bottom.  I thought I had been here before, but it turns out I was wrong.  If I had a problem with drugs or alcohol, I could call a sponsor or go to a meeting.  Instead, I have to dump this all on my husband and hope that he is strong enough to support me, while still managing to keep his head above water, too. 

I have a cold so my defenses are down.  With each sniffle, I remind myself that I am not 100% and I need to remember that.

Today I got my monthly visitor.  I was naive enough to think that we would get pregnant as easily this time as we did the last.  I thought this time was it for us.  I had gone through several pregnancy tests this week.  I was so very hopeful. 

Two days ago, my best friend had a healthy baby girl.  One that will never get to play with my baby girl.  We are going to meet her tonight and even though I am so very raw today, I can't wait to hold her.

Tomorrow is a baby shower for a dear friend and I can't go.  While she understands, I am not sure I do. 

I came to work this morning because I was crying so hard at home and I was worried that if I stayed home, the tears would never stop.

I miss my daughter.  More and more every day.  I am so worried that she will be forgotten. 

I heard of a study at Drexel University that is conducting research on how women have healed and moved on from the grief of thier loss of a miscarriage or stillborn.  I immediately contacted the organzier as I was hoping that my journey might help someone else.  Now I am worried that they will turn me away as I am obviously not healed.

Earlier today, towel turban on my head and tears streaming down my face, I felt the worst I have felt since we were in the hospital 6 months ago.  I felt lost, empty and without hope.  I do not wish this pain on anyone.

My friends and family all ask what they can do and I smile and say, "Nothing, but thanks." Cause that is the truth.  There is nothing anyone can do.  I love them for asking anyway.

I am trying to look to the future, to see the bright side, but sometimes it's just too hard.  So instead, I literally put one foot in front of the other, got in the car, got to work, got to my desk and started my day.  What else was there to do? 

I feel a little bit better now.  Bye bye rock bottom.  I do not want to see you again, you hear me?