Friday, November 4, 2011

Rock Bottom

This morning, I hit rock bottom.  I thought I had been here before, but it turns out I was wrong.  If I had a problem with drugs or alcohol, I could call a sponsor or go to a meeting.  Instead, I have to dump this all on my husband and hope that he is strong enough to support me, while still managing to keep his head above water, too. 

I have a cold so my defenses are down.  With each sniffle, I remind myself that I am not 100% and I need to remember that.

Today I got my monthly visitor.  I was naive enough to think that we would get pregnant as easily this time as we did the last.  I thought this time was it for us.  I had gone through several pregnancy tests this week.  I was so very hopeful. 

Two days ago, my best friend had a healthy baby girl.  One that will never get to play with my baby girl.  We are going to meet her tonight and even though I am so very raw today, I can't wait to hold her.

Tomorrow is a baby shower for a dear friend and I can't go.  While she understands, I am not sure I do. 

I came to work this morning because I was crying so hard at home and I was worried that if I stayed home, the tears would never stop.

I miss my daughter.  More and more every day.  I am so worried that she will be forgotten. 

I heard of a study at Drexel University that is conducting research on how women have healed and moved on from the grief of thier loss of a miscarriage or stillborn.  I immediately contacted the organzier as I was hoping that my journey might help someone else.  Now I am worried that they will turn me away as I am obviously not healed.

Earlier today, towel turban on my head and tears streaming down my face, I felt the worst I have felt since we were in the hospital 6 months ago.  I felt lost, empty and without hope.  I do not wish this pain on anyone.

My friends and family all ask what they can do and I smile and say, "Nothing, but thanks." Cause that is the truth.  There is nothing anyone can do.  I love them for asking anyway.

I am trying to look to the future, to see the bright side, but sometimes it's just too hard.  So instead, I literally put one foot in front of the other, got in the car, got to work, got to my desk and started my day.  What else was there to do? 

I feel a little bit better now.  Bye bye rock bottom.  I do not want to see you again, you hear me?

1 comment:

  1. sam!!! That is a lot to deal with all at the same time. Being sick amplifies my grief, too. I've had a cold all week. Plus a new baby and baby shower are both huge things. So no wonder you are feeling down. I'm sorry this wasn't your month, it is so heartbreaking each month...I still haven't figured out how to be hopeful but also not get my hopes up. Then the fear sets in, that it will never happen again. Then I get mad, because I shouldn't be worrying about this, I just want my baby back. :( Oops sorry for the long vent on your comment but thanks for being so honest in your post! HOpe you're feeling better.

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