This morning, I hit rock bottom. I thought I had been here before, but it turns out I was wrong. If I had a problem with drugs or alcohol, I could call a sponsor or go to a meeting. Instead, I have to dump this all on my husband and hope that he is strong enough to support me, while still managing to keep his head above water, too.
I have a cold so my defenses are down. With each sniffle, I remind myself that I am not 100% and I need to remember that.
Today I got my monthly visitor. I was naive enough to think that we would get pregnant as easily this time as we did the last. I thought this time was it for us. I had gone through several pregnancy tests this week. I was so very hopeful.
Two days ago, my best friend had a healthy baby girl. One that will never get to play with my baby girl. We are going to meet her tonight and even though I am so very raw today, I can't wait to hold her.
Tomorrow is a baby shower for a dear friend and I can't go. While she understands, I am not sure I do.
I came to work this morning because I was crying so hard at home and I was worried that if I stayed home, the tears would never stop.
I miss my daughter. More and more every day. I am so worried that she will be forgotten.
I heard of a study at Drexel University that is conducting research on how women have healed and moved on from the grief of thier loss of a miscarriage or stillborn. I immediately contacted the organzier as I was hoping that my journey might help someone else. Now I am worried that they will turn me away as I am obviously not healed.
Earlier today, towel turban on my head and tears streaming down my face, I felt the worst I have felt since we were in the hospital 6 months ago. I felt lost, empty and without hope. I do not wish this pain on anyone.
My friends and family all ask what they can do and I smile and say, "Nothing, but thanks." Cause that is the truth. There is nothing anyone can do. I love them for asking anyway.
I am trying to look to the future, to see the bright side, but sometimes it's just too hard. So instead, I literally put one foot in front of the other, got in the car, got to work, got to my desk and started my day. What else was there to do?
I feel a little bit better now. Bye bye rock bottom. I do not want to see you again, you hear me?