Time is such a funny concept. Sometimes I lose all track of time and other times , I am all too aware of the time. At work, I am very aware of the time. 2 hours till lunch or 3 hours till I can go home. On the weekends, time matters, too. I can get 1 more hour of sleep in the morning or stay up an hour later at night since I do not have to get up as early on the weekends.
Then there is last week this time, last month this time, last year this time. There is also the forward looking time…next week, next month and next year.
Since Allie died, I have been consumed with time. The 37 weeks and 1 day that I carried her under my heart. The hours that I was in labor. The moment I said hello. The minute I said goodbye. The weeks since we came home without her. The time I was home on FMLA, buried in grief. The time I went back to work. How long I have been back at work. The time it took my scar to heal. The time till I got my period back. The time till we can try again. The time in between the tears.
I am the kind of person that wears a watch. Since my first Swatch , I loved knowing what time it was. I am also a planner so I like to know how many hours a certain task will take. Time was a friend of mine. Now I feel time slipping away…and it’s sad to me.
I want to "Turn Back Time" as Cher once sang so well.
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
And you'd stay
Well, that does not really apply as I never said or did anything to cause this loss.
Maybe I can put “Time in a Bottle” like the great Jim Croce crooned:
If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
Till Eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you
Yeah, that sounds nice. Just Allie, Gary and me. Saving the days to spend together. I like that.
Time will one day be my friend again. I yearn to mark time in terms of joy again. I am hopeful that I will be able to. In time, I will.