Sometimes I feel like I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I looked it up online, this is what I found:
PTSD can occur at any age. It can follow a natural disaster such as a flood or fire, or events such as:
- Domestic abuse
- Prison stay
I certainly did not experience any of these things, and yet they agony of carrying a baby to term and losing her, makes me think that I could have it to some degree. I only hesitate as I do not want to offend anyone who actually does, like our brave men and women who fight for this country every single day…
Right before we went to Chicago, I treated myself to a manicure. I went to a new place as I was worried that someone at my old place might ask me about my baby. It’s really kind of silly as I never went to the old place that much and I doubt the people there had any idea who I was. Still, I was worried so I went somewhere new and fresh. As soon as I sat down, the woman started asking me all kinds of questions. Normally, I am the kind of gal that can’t shut up, but on this day, I just wanted to relax and enjoy the pampering and not talk. But my mom raised me to be polite so I replied to all her questions. Did I just get off work? Yes. Did I work nearby? Yes. Was I married? Yes. Did I have any kids? Pause, pause, cough, mumble, stutter. No.
Oh Allie. I lied. And I have been keeping it inside me since. It was easier for me to lie than deal with the questions that would have followed. Where is she? How old is she? So I lied. And I felt so damn guilty about it. I now live in fear that someone else will ask me about my daughter and that I will not be able to answer them. I so want to answer truthfully. But any time I am in a situation where I feel like the question is coming, my face gets hot, my hands sweat, my vision gets blurry and I start to panic. Terrific. I am creating my own panic attacks!
I read another blog where a dad also lied when asked about his daughter. I guess it’s survival. He felt his daughter knew and was not upset. Allie, I hope you knew I meant no harm by it as well.
So what's the verdict? Is there a name for what we have? Addi's Mom and Margot's Dad and Kayla's Mom and Leo's Mom and Collin's mom and all the new friends I have made since Allie died...do you know what I mean? Is it PTSD? I don't think so. Maybe there is no name. Maybe you do not know what I mean. In either case, that is ok. The less people that know this pain, the better.
I had an x-ray today for a possible fracture in my foot (I still think it's just a sprain but it's been a few weeks so it was time to get it checked out). The woman taking down my information asked me my name, date of birth, marital status and I waited for it. ASK ME IF I HAVE ANY CHILDREN! I was nervous and anxious and scared and I felt the familiar symptoms. But I was ready to say YES! Yes, I had a daughter. I loved her like no other. She was all that is good and pure. But the woman was done with the questions. She gave me my insurance card back and told me to wait till they called my name. Next time, Allie. I will be ready next time.