I was sad today. Not sure why. Not sure there needs to be a reason why. I looked down on my shirt at work and saw one of my hairs on my shoulder. I realized that I have seen a lot more hair on and around me these days that is not staying on my head. In the shower, there are clumps. It never bothered me before, but now it does. When I was pregnant, I did not lose any hair.
I am still at war with my body. I have always battled my weight and now is no different. Except that I really hate the way I look (maybe because it reflects the way I feel?). I have been fairly good about working out, but I can’t get the diet thing down. In that I do not want to. I know I need to be healthy so I can get pregnant again, but it seems like too much energy to make healthy choices. I know. It’s crazy. I read these words and wonder who wrote them.
I discovered these lyrics the other day from an artist that Gary turned me on to (Ok, truth be told…Gary and “The Voice”!)
"I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be"
I feel like that is SO me! This is not who I want to be! Most days, I am better, but then WHAM! Is it hormones? Probably. I am still adjusting to not being pregnant. But knowing what it is does not make it any easier. Oh, Allie. How I wish you were here with me. In my arms where you belong. Or in your crib that Daddy and our friends so happily assembled for you.
Then I keep listening to the song:
"On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo"
I love that verse. I believe Gary and I are “stitched together” and for that, I am so very lucky. I must never forget what I do have and how loved I am. Never!!
I am sure this mood will pass…even as I write, I can feel it lifting.
Here’s to less dreary days and to more sunshine (and rainbows!). One day at a time. For Gary, for me, for Allie…