Tuesday, September 6, 2011

What I Learned This Summer

I am a satellite radio girl. Have been since it came out. I love the lack of commercials and the variety of music. I signed up for a lifetime membership years ago and it was some of the best money I ever spent. Since I have not gotten a bill in years, it seems free!

I do not have satellite radio at home, though. There is no need for it with our iPods and all the great music on the cable stations. The only time this is an issue is in the morning. I love to listen to music in the shower. So I listen on my little pink shower radio and wash my troubles away.

This morning, there was a segment called “What I Learned This Summer”. People called in to say a variety of things that they learned. One guy learned that he liked oysters (not sure this is news, but I digress). One caller said they learned that not having a house at the beach for the summer was a mistake. Another caller said they realized true love does exist. You get the point, right?

So here is what I learned:

I can hurt from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. I can mourn like a pro. I can cry an endless amount of tears. I can be sad for hours and hours. I can miss someone I never even knew. I can want something so badly that it physically hurts. I can put on a brave face and be crumbling inside. I can go through the motions, even when all I want to do is sit in the dark and be alone.

Here is what else I learned:

I am loved more than I ever thought possible. By more people than I ever thought possible. My family would literally do anything to stop my pain. That includes the family I was lucky enough to get by marring my fantastic husband. My friends are officially my family. My girlfriends are now my sisters. I am not the only one who lost a child. We all lost her. And we all loved her.

Flash back to Labor Day Weekend last year. We just found out we were pregnant. We told both sides of the family. We were elated! 2 of my sister-in-laws were also pregnant at the time and they gladly welcomed me into their club. We took a picture of the pregnancy test and made a copy to show everyone. We started to talk about what I would look like pregnant. Would I be sick? Would it be a hard or easy pregnancy? Would we have a boy or a girl? My pop pop was a twin…could we be having 2 babies?? The excitement kept me up those first few nights.

Flash forward to Labor Day Weekend this year. I have two beautiful nieces whom I love (and blog about) so very much. But I am in a different club now. This club has mothers who have lost a child. Ones who had easy pregnancies and ones who had hard pregnancies. Ones who had boys and ones who had girls. Ones who had twins. Ones who are up nights missing their children.

I am so curious as to what Labor Day Weekend will be like next year. What I learned this summer is that I just have to wait and see. And never lose hope.

My Mom's Birthday - Labor Day Weekend 2011

Ella's 1st Winery Trip!

My brothers, Ella and Me

The Birthday Girl

Gary and Me


  1. I love when you said "We all lost her. And we all loved her". I feel that way too with Addi. What a difference a year makes...I would love to think about next Labor Day and the possibility of a real live baby to hold and keep, but my head won't let me go much farther than the end of the month!

    Hold on to that hope my friend! I hope next Labor Day brings live babies for all of us!

  2. Sam, I always love your posts! I like how you separated what you have learned. In the beginning it was so hard to believe anything "good" could come out of such a horrible experience, but I also feel like I have learned some "good" things too. So glad you have an awesome support network.


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