Water

Some days I feel like I am under water. It’s hard to breathe at times, knowing that I am here and my baby girl is not. Gary calls it a “wet blanket”…the feeling you have when you are enveloped in grief. It was so awful back in April that I thought that was all I would ever feel. Most days now are better, but every once and a while, I can almost hear the water rushing in as it crushes me below the surface. If I stop and think about it, it’s just so sad. We had so many hopes and dreams planned for our little girl who never even got the chance to take her first breath. It’s unimaginable.

Yesterday, I felt the tears before they even came. I got up and cleaned the house and tried to keep busy, but I knew I was “off”. Gary had gone to the movies with a friend so it was just Zoe and me at home. I decided to draw myself a bath. We have a nice Jacuzzi tub and it had been a while since I took the time to just soak and let the bubbles do their job. So the temperature was perfect, the bubbles were pouring out and I gently stepped into the tub. And then the tears came. Over the sound of the rushing water and bubbling jets, I cried. And I cried hard. I so miss my baby girl. The hopes, the dreams…all gone. And some days, it’s too sad to think about. Today is her 4 month “angelversary”. Can’t say I am a fan of that word too much, but I think it’s as good a word as any.

Eventually the tears stopped. My tub is surrounded by mirrors (we really have to get rid of them!) and at one point, I saw my reflection and scared the tears away. I am not kidding. Yikes! The vision of my beet red face swimming above the bubbles with my damp hair hanging around my face was enough to snap me out of it.

I got out of the tub and lay on the bed. I cried some more. Then Gary came home and the tears sprung back. It’s been a long time since I have been like that. It was a stormy and wet day and I guess my mood was reflecting what was outside.

Gradually, I felt the mood lifting. We went downstairs, turned on the TV and tucked into some mindless, fun shows. I slowly started to feel myself. I looked at my husband, who loves me, tears and all, and I realized how lucky I am. In spite of all of the grief, I am still so very lucky to have him.

By the time I got in the shower this morning, the tears were gone and the water was cleansing. Another day was starting. Life was moving on. And I was moving along with it.

**Side note: I got a lot of feedback from my last entry regarding Not Nice Lady. Today, a coworker brought us in a big bucket of Hershey’s kisses with the little “Aleph” symbol that Gary created stickered to each and every kiss. She was thinking of us this weekend and wanted to do something special. I am overwhelmed and so touched. All these months later, people still recognize our pain and our loss and know that chocolate and kisses are sure to help! It’s so nice to work with such amazing people. **