happy sad exhilirated exhausted

I love being a mom.

I never got to embrace motherhood before Miranda because even the word made me sad.  Made me long for what should have been.  Made my arms ache.  That's all different now.

That's not to say that Miranda being here makes up for the fact that her sister is not.  It just means we are too busy making sure that we are doing everything right that we do not have time to think about much else!

This has been a banner week for me.  On Monday, Miranda and I went to the mall for the first time.  We met up with Gary and a friend from work who is expecting her first child this summer.  It was the first time I was solo with the baby in the car and with the stroller and I was a natural!  Although only at the mall long enough to run into Weight Watchers and get weighed (still losing...woot!!!) and then grab lunch at the food court (Chick Fil A - don't judge), it was a great "first" for us.  Our coworker was asking me questions about motherhood and I felt damn proud that I could help her.  I know mom things now!!  We laughed.  We shared stories.  We ate.

Before they went back to work, we ran into the Disney store.  Back when I was pregnant with Allie, we went in there towards the very end and bought 2 stuffed animals.  Piglet for us and Lady for my sister-in-law who was due around the same time as me.  We were able to give Lady to Ella the night she was born whereas Piglet has sat on a shelf in our house for the past 2 years.  So we wanted something new.  While Gary was checking out the merchandise (and I think trying to justify an Iron Man or superhero purchase for himself), I was just looking around the store.  All the princess things that I stopped looking at so abruptly 2 years ago.  The tiaras!  The boas!  We are in trouble!  One of the employees saw me walking around with Miranda and stopped to say how beautiful she was.  Then she asked if she was my first.  I paused and said yes.  She said congrats and wished us luck and I kept walking.  Gary purchased Marie and then we were on our way.

As soon as we left the store, I told Gary and our friend what had happened.  They asked how I handled it and I told them.  I learned a while back that not telling someone my whole life story does not deny the existence of my daughter.  What good would have come from telling that woman that in fact Miranda was our second daughter and that our first was born still?  I can't imagine the look on her face in the middle of such a vibrant and colorful store.  What good would it have done?  I know I have 2 daughters in my heart.  I also know I have 1 daughter in my arms.

Today we went to Miranda's 1 month check up.  She is thriving!  Up to 9 pounds, 11 oz and has grown in length, too.  Atta girl!  We are so proud. 

In the cases of adoption, the birth mother and birth father each terminate their parental rights.  In the state of Delaware where Miranda was born, there is a 14 day revocation period.  We had to hold our breath there for a bit, but I am happy to report that the 14 days have come and gone and we are in good shape!  There are still many more milestones before we will sit down with a judge and he or she will officially declare Miranda "ours", but we can wait.  For us, it's really just a piece of paper.  An important piece, yes, but there is no denying that she is already ours.

So on to month 2 we go.  We are learning more each day about Miranda and her needs and about us and our needs! We have been happy and we have been sad.  We have been exhilarated and more often than not, we have been exhausted.  And we would not have it any other way.

2 Years

Yesterday was Allie's 2nd birthday.  How in the world that happened is beyond me.  2 years since I held her in my arms. 2 years since we said hello and goodbye in the same moment. 2 years since we lost all our hope.

We decided to have a low key celebration this year.  Gary left work a little early and stopped to get some pink balloons and a little cake.  We wrote messages to Allie and then released the balloon into the crisp but sunny and bright day.  We bundled Miranda up and took her out on the deck with us.  My mom stopped by and was by our side.  It was emotional.  It was sweet.  It was everything a 2nd birthday party could be for a child that is not here with us.

A few days ago, I looked at Gary and said, "What a difference a year makes."  He replied back with, "What a difference a MONTH makes!"  And he was right.  Last month was waiting and hoping and crossing what we could - this month is diaper changes and bottle warmers and, if I am lucky, a shower!  We are supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps and yet we both find ourselves starting at her in utter disbelief that she is here and that she is ours.

Without Allie, there would be no Miranda.  Which means each and every day, we are thankful for both our girls.

Mother's Day is just around the corner.  In the past, this has been such a hard day for me.  I did not want to deny that I was/am Allie's mom, but without raising her, I felt that it was not fair to call myself her mom.  Fast forward to now and I can't wait to celebrate the day for both of my girls.  Allie made me a mom and I realize that more now that ever.  Miranda is letting me test the role out and see how it fits.  Each day is a new challenge and a new obstacle and it's so much better than I ever dreamed.  

The outpouring of love that we have received is nothing short of fantastic.  Our dining room is now known as the "present room" as each person that comes over refuses to do so empty handed!  I get texts and calls all day long wanting to know how Miranda is doing and if we need anything and when they can come back to see her or hold her again.  It's so amazing.

When I stop to think that I missed out on all of this with Allie, it hurts my heart.  I can't spend too much time wondering what it would have been like if this was 2011 and not 2013 but that's not fair to either child.  To deny those feelings is not fair, either.  Sigh.  Such is the life of parents who had to bury a child.

We have a video monitor installed in the nursery and the past few nights, when the baby is fed and changed and sleeping and it's my turn to sleep, I find myself starting at it looking to make sure she is moving or breathing or something.

I was so worried that now that we have it all, it will be short lived.  I do not want to take any moment for granted or assume that happiness lasts forever.  But I am going to have to have faith.  I have to believe that Miranda is our baby and she is not going anywhere.  She is safe and loved and she has made this house full of life again.  We are so in love.

And so on Allie's 2nd birthday, with a mouth full of cake, I said to Gary, "I am not sad right now.  I feel like I should be sad but I am not.  I am actually happy."  His reply?  "Good.  You should be.  That's what Allie would want."  I think he is right.  Thank you, Allie.  Thank you for sending your sister to us and for allowing us to at long last be happy.

Miranda, Our Rainbow

Bliss

I am a writer who has no words.  How can I possibly describe the love I feel for this child who has been in our lives for just a few short weeks?  She has changed everything. She has brought me back to life.

It's hard to write these days - mainly because I am knee deep in feedings or diaper changes or just holding our baby and staring at her until my eyes get blurry.  And that's ok.  We are having the most fun with her - trying to discover what she needs and when and trying to make sure she is a happy baby.  I am not sure how much we can really control that, but we are doing our part!

My main concern was that once we had our rainbow, everyone would forget that she is our second child.  Everyone would think that we are "cured" now.  That the last 2 years were nothing but a bad dream.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  From the first day we got matched with Miranda to the day we brought her home and every day since, people have respected that we have 2 girls in our hearts.  Everyone knows that Allie is the reason that Miranda is here.  Allie's spirit is all around and in the best possible way.

We did not have the nursery put back together until after we got home from Delaware.  We could not stand looking at that room without a baby in it again.  At first I thought I would want a complete makeover from the way we had it for Allie and then I realized that I loved the way it looked back then and I wanted it to look similar now. We had a bunch of family over to help us put the room back together and just like that, it was Miranda's room.  We still have a few things to hang and some finishing touches, but for the most part, it's ready.

She did not sleep in there right away, though, as we wanted her by our sides at all times.  I needed to see and hear every movement.  That lasted until exhaustion took over.  Eventually, daddy hooked up the video monitor and we decided to give it a go.

 

The first night, I jumped at every gurgle and every peep and ran to check on her.  I would sigh audibly when I could see that she was just fine.  Then came time for a feeding.  I heated up the bottle and sat in the glider and held my baby in my arms as I fed her.  And I felt Allie there with me in that room.  Helping me feed her sister.  Telling me I was doing a good job.  Allowing me to love this new baby with my whole heart.

The love and support we are getting is astounding.  I should not be surprised and yet I am for some reason.  Everyone wants to come over and meet her and love her and shower her with gifts and it's impossible to feel anything but joy when we are with her.  Miranda.  Our Miracle.

Monday will mark 2 years since I held Allie in my arms.  I am not sure what we are doing yet. What I do know is that it will be a celebration and not a memorial.  Allie is the daughter I carried and Miranda is the daughter I am raising.  While I will never truly understand why it had to be this way, I have come to accept it in the best way that I can.  

A friend from high school sent me this poem and I can't stop reading it. Since I am at a loss for words right now, I will use the words for another.  Miranda, this is for you:

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it.

Miranda Hope

Introducing Miranda Hope

Hebrew Name: Shoshannah

Born 3/31/13

8 lbs, 3 oz

21 inches long

The last time I blogged was Good Friday.  It was a hard day for as as just 2 years before, that was the day we delivered Allie still.  It will always be a hard day for me.  It was the day I lost my baby, a piece of my heart and certainly all of my hope.

Fast forward 2 years and on the same day, we discovered that the birth mother who picked us to raise her child thought she was in labor.  Turns out she was wrong and was sent home, but I knew only good things were on the way.

On Easter morning, bright and early, our little rainbow came into this world.  We were not there.  We found out from our social worker.  At first it felt so awkward that she was here and that we had not met her yet, but we trusted the process and our agency as they advised us to do.  And so far, so good.

We spent the holiday with Gary's side of the family and it was the perfect thing for us.  Had we stayed home and stared at each other all day, we would have gone crazy!  Early the next morning as we prepared to head to Delaware where our baby was born, we got word that the birth mother wanted us to come over that evening.  We were going to meet our baby!

We checked into the hotel and made our way over to the hospital.  It's hard to describe the emotions of meeting your child for the first time.  Would we feel the same connection even though she did not come from us?  How much did we miss out on my not getting those 9 months to bond with her?  Was she really ours?

Turns out, much of that worrying was for nothing.  The minute we laid eyes on her, we knew she was ours.  And that was the end of it.  We have the rest of our lives to bond with her but sure as I sit here and type this, I know that she is ours.  She is the best kind of gift - given to us by a woman so strong and so courageous what she knew that choosing us to raise her baby was the best gift she could give this child.  She was sad and emotional and discharge that next day took hours and hours as she could not say goodbye.  But in the end, she was able to say "see you soon" as we promised monthly emails and letters and pictures and that our daughter would always know where she came from.  That she was loved so very much from before she was even born.  Miranda's Hebrew name is Shoshannah which is the Hebrew name for Lily.  Liliana was the name our baby's birth mother called her when she was in her womb and we wanted to honor that name.

Leaving the hospital with our baby was surreal.  They wheeled me out in a wheelchair even though I had not delivered her.  I was now her mom and that's was protocol.  I was smiling ear to ear.  From there we went to our hotel and just stared at her.  And cried.  And stared some more.

We were supposed to have to stay out of PA for 7-10 business days (some said longer) until the Interstate Compact was signed.  This is the document that needs to be completed with a child is adopted outside of the state in which they reside.  For some reason, ours was signed in 24 hours.  They said it was a record. We got to Delaware on Monday, got our baby on Tuesday and by Thursday, we were heading home.

The birth mother signed over her parental rights, but she has 14 days to change her mind.  After talking to her and spending time with her, we are not really that concerned.  She knows that we can provide for this baby in a way that she could not.  Still, we will feel better once we know she is "ours".

After that, it takes up to 6 months for "finalization".  There, we will sit with a judge and he will give us a new birth certificate with her name on it as well as ours.  Then it will be "official".

It's hard to be reasonable and rationale when to us, she is already ours.  Her sister made sure of that.  Allie pulled some kind of strings to ensure that we would be parenting by her 2nd birthday.  I just know it.

I am more tired than I have ever been in my whole life.  And I love it.  A few mornings ago, around 3am, I said to Gary, "Do you think our lives will ever be the same?  He replied, "I hope not".  Indeed that is so true.

I am taking 12 weeks FMLA plus 2 weeks vacation.  I want to be home with my rainbow as long as I can.  Gary is home with me this week and we aim to put the nursery back together again.  We had grandparents and uncles and aunts over on Saturday to help us start moving items from the basement to the nursery. Our house has been a revolving door of guests and while we are so exhausted, we can't deny our loved ones the chance to meet our miracle.  One close friend brought over some clothes last night and said there was no gift receipt...she had bought them for Allie and then saved them hoping and praying that one day she would be able to give them to her sister.  It melted our hearts.

The road ahead is bright but we still need to proceed with caution.  Until the adoption is finalized...until we learn how to deal with there finally being a baby in this house...until we really understand this chance that we have been given.

We have found our hope.  Miranda Hope.  Our miracle.   Our happiness.  Our joy.
 

 

Good Friday / Bad Friday

Good Friday to me is the day I delivered my first born daughter still.  In the past, it was a day off from work or the beginning of a long weekend or maybe just another Friday. Until I met Gary, Easter was not a holiday I celebrated so it did not have a lot of meaning to me.  Good Friday was really just another day to me. 

In 2011, Good Friday became Bad Friday.  It was the darkest of days.  It was agony, pain, fear, anxiety and so much sorrow.  Yes, it was also the day that we held our precious angel and for that, I can't say it was all bad.  But overall when I think of that day, it's with sadness in my heart.

Last year, Gary had a business trip that took him to Nashville over Easter.  I flew down with him and we made a vacation out of it.  We toured and traveled and had BBQ and listened to live music and made the best of the weekend that just a year ago was agony.  We made new memories, but very carefully and deliberately.  We celebrated life and each other and the strength and courage of our family to survive.

This year, Easter is early.  Allie's "birth" day is still weeks away.  I was not sure how I was going to feel.

We woke up on Good Friday and it really felt just like any other day.  I was aware of the day, but my heart did not hurt like I thought it would.  Gary and I went for a walk and enjoyed the fresh air.  I have been training for a 5k and although my running is about as speedy as an 80 year old woman's, I am still trying my best.  I feel good and am in better shape that I have been in quite some time.

Later that afternoon, we got a call from our social worker.  We had met with our birth mother last week and the meeting went really well.  We talked for hours and shared all kinds of stories and bits and pieces about ourselves.  We got word after our meeting that she really liked us and was so glad she picked us.  She felt a huge sense of relief after meeting us.  Phew.  Us, too!  We also felt a bit panicked as she is very pregnant and the reality of our adoption journey was made clear.  We are having a baby!!!!

In fact, we thought she was coming yesterday!  On the very same day that our first daughter was delivered, we thought our second daughter was going to make an appearance!  Our social worker called to say that our birth mother was heading to the hospital and she would call with updates.  We were crazy!  We ran to Target to get last minute things, did a quick load of wash and then waited.  The next call said the contractions were too far apart and they were sending her home.  She would call with any more updates.  Ah!!!
 
It became clear to me then that Good Friday was not Bad Friday. It was a day just like any other.  A day where bad things happen and where good things happen and a day where hopes are raised and a day when hopes are put on hold till the next call!

One thing is for certain, our daughter is coming and she is coming soon.  I can't wait till the post that announces that she is here. I have a hunch it might be sooner rather than later...

The Call

She picked us.  It all comes down to that.  

We got the call late Wednesday afternoon.  I was sitting at my desk preparing for a course that I was to train the next morning when my phone buzzed and the display read "Blocked".  All calls from our Adoption Agency come up as Blocked as they need to maintain anonymity in dealing with their clients.  

My heart stopped.  A few weeks prior, our social worker called and as soon as I picked up, she said, "Don't get too excited.  I just need to talk to you."  She told us she had a birth mother who almost matched what we were looking for and needed our permission to be shown.  We knew this might happen.  We had filled out a key with what we were comfortable with and sometimes there are situations that fall outside the parameters of the key.

Gary and I spent the weekend researching and talking and making the decision as to if we wanted to be shown or not.   On Monday, we told our social worker that we wanted to be shown.

And then we waited.

There was one email that said she was looking at 7 families.

There was another email that said she was looking at 3 families.

There was an email that she liked our video.

Then there was the call.

"Are you ok with 2 legally enforceable visits a year?" our social worker asked me?  My heart exploded.  HOLY CRAP. This was suddenly very real.  "Yes, we are" was my reply.  That was why we chose open adoption.  As long as it is in the best interest of our child, we are ok with 2 visits a year.

"Ok," she said.  "I have to make a few calls.  Hopefully I will call you back soon."

Gary was home sick.  365 days a year we are together.  This week he was sick.  Shaking, I called him and filled him in.  He was as shocked as me.  I told him I would call back if there was more to say.

I sat at my desk.  My monitor loomed in front of me.  I had the phone in my hand.  I waited.

It rang again.  I tried to stay calm.  Our social worker identified herself right away. "This is the call you have been waiting for.  You can get excited.  She picked you.  Congratulations."

I have no idea what I said.  I know I ran outside and it was windy and my hair was whipping around my face and sticking the to tears coming out of my now puffy eyes.   I know I asked if she was sure.  I know I said thank you.  I know I asked her to send me an email with anything important because I would not remember anything past the initial great news.  

I called Gary next.  He picked up the phone and I said, "Hi Daddy".  He whispered, "She picked us?"  "Yes", I replied.  "She picked us."

The last few days have been a blur.  We are having a girl and she is due in early April.  That's REALLY soon.  She will be delivered in Delaware which is just about an hour away.  We will meet the birth mom this Friday.  We can't wait.

I have talked to our social worker since the call and she said that she can't believe how quickly we got chosen.  I just smiled.  Once we chose adoption as the path to grow our family, I suspected it would not be a long wait.

151 "likes" and counting on Facebook.  Calls and emails and texts over the last few days from PA to NJ to VA to Australia!  The joy that this little girl is bringing to our lives is already measurable.

We are hesitant to start setting up the nursery just yet. We have a bassinet and the car seat and the Pack n' Play all ready.  We have clothes and diapers and bottles.  Because we are being placed with a child outside of the state in which we live, we will not be able to come back with the baby into PA for 10-14 days.  It's a inconvenience, but a small price to pay. Once the parental consent has been signed and the Interstate Compact completed, we will finally be able to come home.

Once we are home, there are post placement visits and a myriad of other things to be done.  The actual adoption will not be finalized until close to 6 months.  That's ok.  We have waited this long - what's a few more months?

I talked to my brother on the way home from work on Wednesday and he said he will never forget that call.  Trust me, neither will we.  It was the day we found out that she picked us.  It was the day we found out we were going to be parents again. It was a damn good day.

A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

The Wait

The waiting is the hardest part
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Those lyrics from the Tom Petty song play over and over in my head now that we are "in the book".  We can get a call any day.  Or it could be 6 months.  Or double that.  So we have to wait.  And it's hard.

Now for us, it's certainly not the "hardest part", but you know what I mean! 

Last weekend we went through all of Allie's things.  It was actually quite lovely to see all the things that had been given to use for her.  Clothes galore and so much more.  Piggy banks and lamps and blankets and night lights and hats and socks and shoes and bathing suits and sunglasses and more.  I was worried it would be too hard to go through.  Instead, it was exciting to think of a time when we might need these things.  We are as close as we have ever been, I suppose.

Our "to go" pile for when we get the call!

We went shopping earlier this week and bought a few outfits in yellow.  Looking through what we had, there was a LOT of pink.  So now we have some neutral colors just in case we get the "boy" call and we do not want to freak him out.  It was exciting walking around the racks of clothes and dreaming of our baby wearing this or sleeping in that.  I never thought I would be able to say that!

Next month is Allie's 2nd birthday.  Still not sure how we want to commemorate that.  It's on a Monday and Gary and I are saving all our vacation time for when a baby comes.  I have one vacation day left from last year, though, so I am going to use it.  Not sure what I will do - most likely wait for Gary to get home so we can have a little party of our own.  Maybe go to the park and visit her tree.  Maybe set off some sky lanterns that Gary's dad gave us.  Whatever we decide, I am sure it will be right for us.  Just right for her.

My longing for my daughter has changed...I still wonder how it is that she is not here with us, but I think I may be starting to accept her absence in a way I never did before.  The last time we went to grief counseling, we realized that Gary and I were both in the same mind set.  I think, after almost 2 years, we are finally ready to "graduate" from grief counseling.  We will, of course, still keep our counselor on stand-by as she has been so valuable to us and so instrumental in our healing and we are not ready to say goodbye to her forever.  But we can say goodbye for now.   It's time.

We have been getting some feedback from our social worker and it's all positive.  We received our video this week and it's pretty cool.  I think it accurately depicts who we are and the parents we want to be.  Now we just need to get the call.    The call that is going to change our lives.  I can't wait.