Wanting

I am a materialistic person. I love Coach and Tiffany and Uggs and well, anything with a label. If the celebrities have it, I want it. If someone I know has it and I like it, I want it. It's not a great trait, but I think the fact that I can own up to it is huge. At least I know this is not my finest quality!

When I was 15, I wanted a leather bomber jacket. It was the kind with the map on the inside...can you picture it? It looked kinds like this pic from Ebay. It was hard to find which is funny as back in the day (1989), they were all the rage! Anyway, 25 of my closest middle school and junior high school friends chipped in $10 each and low and behold, I got my jacket! I had a great party and I remember it like it was yesterday. I wanted that jacket so badly and I got it!

A few years later, I wanted a Discman. I was in high school then and probably still wearing my awesome jacket. I remember that party, too, and I remember getting my discman. I was so happy! I had to buy a special adapter so I could play music in my car, but it hooked up perfectly to my Sanyo boom box with detachable speakers at home. Depeche Mode, The Cure and REM never sounded so good!

Eventually, I stopped asking my friends to pool their hard earned money from working jobs at the Ground Round or the grocery store or any of the retail stores at the local mall and I either got what I wanted myself or from my family for Hanukkah or my birthday. But I remember that feeling of wanting something badly and knowing that I could get it if I really tried.

Years later, my mom and brothers told me what a pain in the ass I was...begging for gifts and talking about them all the time. I, of course, do not remember it that way at all! I thought I was cute!

My dad was not around for me when I was growing up. A bitter divorce and child custody issues with my mom left me being raised solely by my mom and step-dad. I think in some ways, I felt entitled to certain things as I did not have the love of a dad. The truth is, I was entitled to nothing that could be bought and it's been a hard lesson for me to learn.

So where is this all coming from? Well, my birthday is in a few weeks. And can you guess what I want? I want a baby. I want a baby so badly. All the people I know could pitch in all the money they have and I still will not have a baby on my birthday this year. And that makes me so sad. I was so sure I would be pregnant by now. I was sure there would be a baby on the way.

The other day, Gary suggested we look start to look into adoption. I am ok with that and I think I might, but I have not given up the hope of conceiving and carrying a baby that would biologically be Allie's little brother or sister. Not yet.

So here I am. A few weeks before I turn 38 years old. While I would never wish to be a teenager again, I sure do wish for those birthday's where I could ask for what I wanted and know I was going to get it. Is that so wrong?