Wednesday, May 1, 2013

happy sad exhilirated exhausted

I love being a mom.

I never got to embrace motherhood before Miranda because even the word made me sad.  Made me long for what should have been.  Made my arms ache.  That's all different now.

That's not to say that Miranda being here makes up for the fact that her sister is not.  It just means we are too busy making sure that we are doing everything right that we do not have time to think about much else!

This has been a banner week for me.  On Monday, Miranda and I went to the mall for the first time.  We met up with Gary and a friend from work who is expecting her first child this summer.  It was the first time I was solo with the baby in the car and with the stroller and I was a natural!  Although only at the mall long enough to run into Weight Watchers and get weighed (still losing...woot!!!) and then grab lunch at the food court (Chick Fil A - don't judge), it was a great "first" for us.  Our coworker was asking me questions about motherhood and I felt damn proud that I could help her.  I know mom things now!!  We laughed.  We shared stories.  We ate.

Before they went back to work, we ran into the Disney store.  Back when I was pregnant with Allie, we went in there towards the very end and bought 2 stuffed animals.  Piglet for us and Lady for my sister-in-law who was due around the same time as me.  We were able to give Lady to Ella the night she was born whereas Piglet has sat on a shelf in our house for the past 2 years.  So we wanted something new.  While Gary was checking out the merchandise (and I think trying to justify an Iron Man or superhero purchase for himself), I was just looking around the store.  All the princess things that I stopped looking at so abruptly 2 years ago.  The tiaras!  The boas!  We are in trouble!  One of the employees saw me walking around with Miranda and stopped to say how beautiful she was.  Then she asked if she was my first.  I paused and said yes.  She said congrats and wished us luck and I kept walking.  Gary purchased Marie and then we were on our way.

As soon as we left the store, I told Gary and our friend what had happened.  They asked how I handled it and I told them.  I learned a while back that not telling someone my whole life story does not deny the existence of my daughter.  What good would have come from telling that woman that in fact Miranda was our second daughter and that our first was born still?  I can't imagine the look on her face in the middle of such a vibrant and colorful store.  What good would it have done?  I know I have 2 daughters in my heart.  I also know I have 1 daughter in my arms.

Today we went to Miranda's 1 month check up.  She is thriving!  Up to 9 pounds, 11 oz and has grown in length, too.  Atta girl!  We are so proud. 

In the cases of adoption, the birth mother and birth father each terminate their parental rights.  In the state of Delaware where Miranda was born, there is a 14 day revocation period.  We had to hold our breath there for a bit, but I am happy to report that the 14 days have come and gone and we are in good shape!  There are still many more milestones before we will sit down with a judge and he or she will officially declare Miranda "ours", but we can wait.  For us, it's really just a piece of paper.  An important piece, yes, but there is no denying that she is already ours.

So on to month 2 we go.  We are learning more each day about Miranda and her needs and about us and our needs! We have been happy and we have been sad.  We have been exhilarated and more often than not, we have been exhausted.  And we would not have it any other way.

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