Bliss

I am a writer who has no words.  How can I possibly describe the love I feel for this child who has been in our lives for just a few short weeks?  She has changed everything. She has brought me back to life.

It's hard to write these days - mainly because I am knee deep in feedings or diaper changes or just holding our baby and staring at her until my eyes get blurry.  And that's ok.  We are having the most fun with her - trying to discover what she needs and when and trying to make sure she is a happy baby.  I am not sure how much we can really control that, but we are doing our part!

My main concern was that once we had our rainbow, everyone would forget that she is our second child.  Everyone would think that we are "cured" now.  That the last 2 years were nothing but a bad dream.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  From the first day we got matched with Miranda to the day we brought her home and every day since, people have respected that we have 2 girls in our hearts.  Everyone knows that Allie is the reason that Miranda is here.  Allie's spirit is all around and in the best possible way.

We did not have the nursery put back together until after we got home from Delaware.  We could not stand looking at that room without a baby in it again.  At first I thought I would want a complete makeover from the way we had it for Allie and then I realized that I loved the way it looked back then and I wanted it to look similar now. We had a bunch of family over to help us put the room back together and just like that, it was Miranda's room.  We still have a few things to hang and some finishing touches, but for the most part, it's ready.

She did not sleep in there right away, though, as we wanted her by our sides at all times.  I needed to see and hear every movement.  That lasted until exhaustion took over.  Eventually, daddy hooked up the video monitor and we decided to give it a go.

 

The first night, I jumped at every gurgle and every peep and ran to check on her.  I would sigh audibly when I could see that she was just fine.  Then came time for a feeding.  I heated up the bottle and sat in the glider and held my baby in my arms as I fed her.  And I felt Allie there with me in that room.  Helping me feed her sister.  Telling me I was doing a good job.  Allowing me to love this new baby with my whole heart.

The love and support we are getting is astounding.  I should not be surprised and yet I am for some reason.  Everyone wants to come over and meet her and love her and shower her with gifts and it's impossible to feel anything but joy when we are with her.  Miranda.  Our Miracle.

Monday will mark 2 years since I held Allie in my arms.  I am not sure what we are doing yet. What I do know is that it will be a celebration and not a memorial.  Allie is the daughter I carried and Miranda is the daughter I am raising.  While I will never truly understand why it had to be this way, I have come to accept it in the best way that I can.  

A friend from high school sent me this poem and I can't stop reading it. Since I am at a loss for words right now, I will use the words for another.  Miranda, this is for you:

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it.