Thursday, May 26, 2016


There are many things in life that we can control. There are many things in life that are out of our control. I think it's a true test of who you are when you are faced with things that are beyond your control.

Last week, I got called back for a repeat mammogram. I was told it was very common and that there was no reason to be alarmed. 

Well, I was alarmed. I started to think about the possibility that I might have cancer. That I might have to lose a breast. That I might die. Admittedly, I was a little melodramatic, but you just never know. That's why we do these tests in the first place.

The mammogram was inconclusive so they took me back for an ultrasound. I am fairly certain I stopped breathing by this point. As I tried to relax in the sterile room on the hospital bed, my mind started to race. The technician performed the ultrasound and I was staring at a blank screen, not knowing what I was looking for, but scared out of my mind. I was thrown back in time to the last ultrasound I had which when we were going through IVF. My mind went even further back in time to when Allie died and I could see her on the screen and also see how still she was. I could see that her heart stopped beating. It was not a good set of flashbacks for me to have.

The radiologist came in a few minutes later and informed me that and all was fine. He apologized for the tests but said he wanted to be sure everything was alright. I had no issue with that at all. I was grateful for the clean bill of health and walked out with my head held high, but with the memories of the ultrasound still flooding my brain.

A few days later, Gary ran his 7th Tough Mudder race. He was so looking forward to the race. He did not, however, train for it. Not once. As a result, he got hurt. He took a nasty fall. He kept going because he wanted to finish the race.

Once home, he went to Urgent Care. They sent him to the ER. There, they admitted him. I am fairly sure that I stopped breathing by this point.

He is fine now. He is home and already back at work. Two nights, tons of IV fluids, a lecture about how you simply cannot put your body through the trauma of a race without training and how if you fall, stay down! He is bruised and battered and embarrassed but all of that will heal. 

Neither situation could we control. We could only control how we reacted to them. We stayed calm and we leaned on each other. He brought me home Chinese food after my tests because that is the ultimate comfort food for me. I brought him cookies and Reese's to the hospital for the same reason.

I cannot control what will happen at my next mammogram but I can control how I handle whatever happens. Gary can control being prepared for another race (IF there is another race) and will train properly. He learned his lesson.

Our wedding anniversary is Sunday. Six years. We are still new in so many ways. We were tested this past month for sure, but that is nothing new for us. We came out stronger and more solid and better than ever. Or at least I did. He might not be better till the weekend!

Control what you can and for what you can't, learn to control how you cope. I know that has really been a good lesson for me. I hope it is for you, too.

Hospital Selfie

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