Thursday, May 12, 2016

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose

I am addicted to "Friday Night Lights". I am almost done binge watching all five seasons and I will be so sad when it is over.

This show is about a high school football team and the coaches and players and their journeys. The thing is, I know NOTHING about football. The writing and acting is so good, it does not even matter.

I spend a lot of time on Netflix. When the house is quiet and everyone has gone to bed, I pick up my remote and a sense of calm comes over me. I can escape into an imaginary world and leave my troubles behind.
During the day, I make every effort to take care of myself. I go to the Y and exercise on the days that Miranda is in school. I try to make smart choices when it comes to what I eat and feed my family. I pay our bills and clean our house and do our laundry and run our errands and I like it. I feel useful and like a big piece of our family puzzle.

During the evening, all bets are off. The animal crackers come out, the snacks that are in the cabinet start banging on the door and there is no way to silence them except to eat them.

Binge eating is..."the consumption of large quantities of food in a short period of time, typically as part of an eating disorder." I was in denial for a long time that I had an eating disorder, but the fact of the matter is, I cannot ignore it anymore. 

It is not every day and it's not always bad food. However, the feeling of using food to push down my feelings is one I have had since I was a teenager at least. I have recently started to talk about how I use food as a crutch and a comfort and I have been shocked to find out that I am not alone. Not even close.

I think that you can be addicted to food just like you can be addicted to anything else. I am trying to break my addiction and understand why I make the choices I do. I am seeing a therapist, a nutritionist and as of yesterday, a new doctor. I have my very own posse!

It is not easy.

But what that is worth fighting for is easy??

I do not want Miranda to grow up with no yummy food in the house because her mom can't control herself. I also do not want her to grow up thinking that food is bad or that eating in secret is even a thing. I have to learn how to deal with my addiction and I have to do it for me. But knowing that it will help her in the long run and that being healthy means I will be around for my family for as long as possible, well, those are darn good motivators.

Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. Here is to less binge watching and less binge eating and just learning how to be "normal". Whatever that means. I am looking forward to finding out.

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