Sunday, March 20, 2016

Spring Ahead, Fall Back

Today is the first day of Spring. Although cold, you can feel the earth starting to get ready for new life. I have always loved this time of year - the warmer days and the chilly nights and the promise of what's to come.

5 years ago, we were busy planning my baby shower. I was looking at my registry every day and I think our "go bag" was packed by now. Our new life was just around the corner. Until it wasn't.

3 years ago, we were busy meeting with a pregnant stranger and learning all we could about her - and her about us - for in a few short weeks, she was going to hand over her infant daughter to us.

It's hard to dwell on the bitter when there is so much sweet.

5 years is a big milestone. It's kindergarten and more freedom and a child who is really not a toddler anymore.

3 years is also a milestone. It's big girl panties and full sentences and laughter...oh so much laughter.

It's hard to wrap our heads around the fact that had Allie not been born still, we would have probably not adopted. We would have been content with our one child or we would have conceived a brother or sister for her. Adoption was never in the cards and thus Miranda would not be ours. But she is ours. So completely. And has been since the day she was born.

Someone asked me recently if I had trouble bonding with her since she did not grow inside of me. Or if I felt I missed out on her growing inside of me. I did not even have to pause. Nope. She is mine 100% and always has been. Allie was the baby I carried and Miranda is the baby I get to raise. 

Yesterday was Miranda's 3rd birthday party. It was such a joyous day and all the kids were smiling from ear to ear. From 1-12, they all gathered to celebrate our special gift. At one point, a bunch of kids that would be about Allie's age were all playing together and my heart skipped in my chest. Allie should be there! How is she not here? I still can't believe it.

And then I turned my head. Miranda was literally bouncing up and down, cheeks flushed, head back, laughing and having the time of her life. This is the life she was meant to have and I would never ever want to take that away from her. My heart went back to it's normal rhythm.

So much of me is moving ahead and yet so much of me still falls back. At 42, I am still learning how to navigate my life and I guess that's ok because once you stop living and learning, what's left?

Happy Spring everyone. To the future...

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