Tuesday, November 1, 2016

What If?

I have been told by many people that the "what if" game is no good. If you spend your life wondering "what if" this happened or "what if" that happened, you can get lost in a world that simply does not exist. Those same people, and many more, in fact, urge us to live in the present and not spend time wondering what "could have been" or "should of been". This is not a new concept. I have written about it before.

I am coming off an emotional (and sugar) high from the last few days. Halloween was a lot of fun this year. Miranda embraced the holiday and we all had a great time. We went to several costumed events and I was sure she would want a new outfit for each one. I was wrong. All she wanted to be was Wonder Woman and each time she pulled up her boots and donned her headband, she really felt like she had super powers. When people commented on how cute she looked, she made sure they knew who she was and that she could save the world. The costume did not have a lasso for some reason and I actually thought about making one for her until I realized that I did not need to weaponize my child and I am not really sure how much rope is needed to make a lasso anyway.

We went on hayrides and we picked out pumpkins. We went on a scavenger hunt and Miranda made her way through a straw maze. We took picture after picture of time spent with cousins and friends. We even got in a visit with Miranda's birth mother and they went on a hayride together. 

The only thing missing from all the festivities was Allie. More so this year than last, although maybe I say that every year? What would she have been this year? Would she have wanted more than one costume? Would she like to dress up like a superhero or would she prefer a princess? Or would she be into something that I do not even know that well like Anime or something like that? I will never know.

It's the never knowing that hurts my heart. Then the guilt I feel when I realize that the daughter I do have is the most incredible child in the world. How can I want more than her? How can I not?

Grief is a strange beast. It rears its head when you expect it least. I have learned to acknowledge it, give it a little bit of attention, and then let it go. It's all you can do. Well, it's all I can do. 

Time to move past the "what if" and on to the "what now". Time to get up and go hide some of that candy that Miranda got last night before she comes home from school and wants to eat it all! 

And so the grief gets pushed away. Dismissed. I do not have room for it today. I wonder when I will see it again and will I be better prepared to deal with it? Only time will tell...

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