Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Suddenly I See

"Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl

And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me"
-KT Tunstall

This song came on Pandora this morning while I was in the shower. I have heard it hundreds of times, but when trapped with a head full of conditioner, I actually listened to the words. I liked what I heard.

I feel like this past year has been so eye-opening for me. I feel like I came into my own. I heard that turning 40 makes you more about you and less about how others perceive you. I heard the same about becoming a mother. Well, it took me a little bit longer I suppose, but in my 41st year, I got there.

That is not to say I am where I want to be. I am not sure I will ever be exactly where I want to be as what I want is constantly changing. I think that is good...or at least it's good for me.

I like to go to the movies by myself. I do not like to share my food when I am out to eat as I always worry I will not get enough. I hate my hair in a ponytail. I wish my toes were longer. I think I have man shaped hands. I dislike the bump on my nose. I like Lifetime movies as much as I like Showtime dramas. I like house wine as much as fancy wine. I like to eat with chopsticks but I look so silly doing it that I always worry someone will take them away from me. I wish I felt better about the way I looked in leggings. I started going gray at 19. I always wanted to be a famous actress. I love singing but am pretty awful at it. I worry about failure every. single. day.

It's invigorating to be free and say what I feel!  Here in my safe space, it feels empowering.

Next month, I turn 42. I am starting a new job. I am part of a running team that is aiming to run 2,016 miles in 2016. Once Spring comes, I am sure I will sign up for more races. I want to keep challenging myself and keep striving for more. I want to lose the weight I gained over the past month (no one is immune from egg nog and holiday cookies, folks) and get back to being me.

Can't wait to see "why the hell it means so much to me."

Thanks for taking this journey with me.  See you all next year!

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