Tuesday, December 22, 2015

"Everything you want's a dream away"

This is a lyric from a new Coldplay song and I just can't get enough of it. 

Can we really dream about what we want and then get it?

I feel like I am living in a dream these days. A crazy, exhausting, exhilarating dream.

I just finished watching the second season of "The Affair" on Showtime. If you have never seen it, I urge you to start now. As in right this second. It's the only show I have ever watched that is like reading a good book. It's a narrative told by four different people. Each person has their own perspective and insight and never do the stories ever match up. It's an interesting story telling device and it always makes me think long after the episode airs.

What would my story be like from the eyes of Gary? What about through the eyes of Miranda? What did my childhood look like through the eyes of my mom? Or my brothers? You know how you have a memory and you are so sure of it and then you compare that memory with someone else and they remember it so completely differently? That's what this show is like. That's what my life is like!

My memories tend to me more positive than negative. When I think of Allie, I think of telling our friends and family that I was pregnant. I think of my baby shower. I think of the tour we took of the maternity ward. I think of the trip to Babies R Us to register and how scared I was because I did not know what to do with any of the items in that store! I think of the kicks she gave me and how she used to move more when I ate fruit or listened to Pink. I remember the 3D ultrasound when we learned she was indeed a she. I do think of the hospital and her delivery and the aftermath of her absence, but not as much anymore. I am not sure if that is because we are approaching five years or if it is how my brain works to protect my heart.

Now what if we told Allie's story from Gary's point of view? What would be the focus? He did not have the physical connection to her, but he certainly had the emotional one. How did the world look through his eyes for those 37 weeks? Would his memories match up with mine?

Three years ago, we were knee deep in adoption paperwork. Literally. Background checks and fingerprinting and reference letters and tax returns. It was cumbersome and time consuming and we do not regret one moment of it. All of it led us to Miranda, our rainbow, our dream.

We wanted her so badly. We knew she was ours before the agency called to say we were placed. She never replaced Allie - that was not her role. She did, however, mend our broken hearts and allowed us to focus on the here and now. She still does that every day.

What will her story be? What perspective will she have? I guess only time will tell. One thing is for sure - she is her own author, director and actor and no matter how her story goes, we will be so happy to watch it unfold. After all, everything she wants is a dream away.

Happy holidays from our family to yours. No matter where they all are or how they came to be a part of your family!


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