Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Flux

Flux is defined as, "continuous change, passage, or movement". I believe that it applies mainly to physics or chemistry, but it can also be used to describe a state of mind. And wow, do I feel like I am in a state of flux right now.

In general, things are good. REALLY good. We just celebrated Hanukkah with so much joy and fervor that if the holiday was any more than eight days, we would have had to throw in the towel. There were candles and gifts and smiles and happiness and parties and fun! Miranda loved it so much and we loved seeing her discover the holiday. We got to spend some good time with family and it was a great time of year. Christmas is next with Gary's side of the family and I am looking forward to more memories and more laughter.

I ran a few races over the past few weeks and am "retired" from any runs until 2016. They really do not hold any races around here in the winter due to the weather and I am ok with that. I have spent a lot in entrance fees and pictures of myself crossing the finish lines and it feels good to take a break. This morning I went on a run by myself and my time did not matter to anyone but me and it was nice. I was actually faster than I have been in a few weeks!

There are not a lot of freelance jobs out there this time of year, but I am optimistic that will change when we flip the calendars in a few weeks. In the meantime, I am working when I can and enjoying this bit of time to just be me. I feel that everyone should get the chance to do that every once and a while.

I have been reflecting a lot about this past year. 2015 was good for us. I worked hard. I played hard. I smiled more than I frowned. I laughed more than I cried.

Yet, I still feel a heaviness weighing on me. I still feel a cloud of doubt follows me from place to place. I think 2016 will be a year of self-discovery and more self-awareness. A year where I do not worry about losing weight, but keeping it off. A year where I do not worry about every parenting decision but more how to enjoy parenting. Ha! If only.

So much of who I am is a mom. And I want to be the best mom I can be.

I took Miranda to the local zoo yesterday. It was in the 60's and we walked around with coats or anything! We saw the turtles and the snakes and the red pandas. When we walked near the bison, we waved hello. She declared, "Hi bison! I'm Miranda Koellhoffer!" Then she pointed to me and said, "This is Mama Sam!". I almost lost it right then and there. She is hilarious, this kid of ours. We had such a lovely day and I think it is one we will both remember for some time.

I guess when it comes to being in flux, I just need to go with in and see where it leads. I have been viewing it as a negative since I can't quite figure out how or why I feel this way and yet maybe it's a positive thing? Time will tell, I suppose. Time will tell.

 

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