Monday, June 30, 2014

All of Me

I am not a huge John Legend fan, but every time I hear this song, I find myself turning it up.

'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you 

Well I have lots of curves and edges and perfect imperfections, and yet I am fairly certain this song is not about me!  The difference is that I am not super proud of all my curves and edges!

I have battled my weight for as long as I can remember.  Diet after diet, fad after fad.  Each time I think I have a grasp on it, I realize I do not.  Doctors and health coaches and group meetings and online support groups and therapy sessions....I could go on.

In my 20's, I wanted to be thin.  In the30's, I wanted to be lean.  Now I just want to be healthy.  (Although I would take thin, please don't misunderstand!).  But I want to be healthy first.  I want to be able to keep up with my daughter.  I want to be here to watch her grow.  I do not want to pass my food issues on to her.  That has to stop with me.

I can tell by the way she looks at me, that she thinks I am beautiful and I love that.  She does not know from fat or thin.  I can tell by the way her dad looks at me that he feels the same way - and he does know.  The lesson here is that it's not how others see me - it's how I see me.

I am in negotiations now for my part time job which is supposed to start next week.  I think we are close - just ironing out a few details.  I think I come off as strong and assertive but I want to make sure I do not come off as aggressive or  needy.  I need to feel the comfort from within and then I know that I will be perceived the way I truly am - and if I am not, that is not my problem, really.

I want to raise Miranda to be strong and compassionate and fierce - and I think I am.  She has great role models and examples.  I did, too, and yet I still struggle.  Maybe that is just human nature.

It's crazy to me how much of what I do impacts her.  How much of what I am might one day impact her.  I love being that responsible for another life but I also love that she has a mind and will of her own and will pretty much be who she is going to be with or without me.  I hope she takes some of my best qualities, though.

So to all our "perfect imperfections" proud of them!  And if you are not, do something to change them.  I think it's time that I listen to my own advice.  

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