Friday, July 4, 2014

A Yes Day

“Sometimes things become possible if we want them bad enough.”
― T.S. Eliot

In early 2011, Gary and I meticulously toured all the daycare centers in the area. We scheduled visits on our lunch breaks and would walk through the various schools asking about their programs.  We narrowed down our choices to just one and decided that was to be Allie's school.  We were so excited.  Then Allie died and I had to call the school to say that we were sorry, but we would not be needing them. 

In mid Spring 2013, my mom and I meticulously toured all the daycare centers in the area.  Gary was confident that he had seen all he needed to see but I wanted to make sure.  By then, Miranda was with us as we toured and I had a better idea of what to ask.  We narrowed down our choices and came back to the same school we had chosen for Allie.  We were so excited.  Then I got laid off and I had to call the school to say that we were sorry, but we would not be needing them.

In February 2014, I started to do some freelance writing.  In June, I was offered a full time position with the company.  20 hours a week.  2 days in the office.  The rest from home.  It was perfect.  I went to the daycare to fill out the paperwork and finally have a child of ours attend that daycare center.  We were so excited.

On Tuesday of this week, my employer called me to say that they were not ready for me to come into the office.  They were so sorry, but the timing was just not right. 

AHHHH!!!!!  After some creative wrangling, we worked out an arrangement that I can still work for them 15-20 hours a week, but it will all be remote.  It works better for me, to be honest.  No commute. No business attire.  I was looking forward to spending my days with grown ups, but that can wait a bit longer.  

So we decided to keep Miranda enrolled in school and on the days that she goes (Tuesdays and Thursdays), I will work from home.

Yesterday was her first day.  She was amazing.

Gary and I dropped Miranda off together and he was better about leaving her than I was.  He knew she was in good hands whereas I wanted to stay and feed her breakfast.  But we left.  Gary pulled away before me and I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes.  I didn't cry.  I didn't feel sad.  I didn't feel worried.  It felt so right to finally have our baby attend that school.  I was anxious and nervous, but I knew she was going to be ok.  And she was.  More than ok.

She ate breakfast and lunch there.  She painted.  She participated in story time.  She played outside.  She made friends.  She napped.  She laughed.  She fit right in.  She was a delight to have in the classroom.

What a rush of joy to get that report!  I called around 10 just to see how she was and heard she was doing so well that I decided not to call again.  Around 2, I got these pictures and I knew she was in good hands.  I knew the school that we picked for Allie was the right school for Miranda.  I was so proud.  I am so proud. 

As for me, I vacuumed.  I did laundry.  I worked for several hours.  I sat in the silence of my home and hated that she was not here.  I missed her so much.  I whispered when the phone rang because I thought she was upstairs napping...I forgot she was not here.  I hate our home without her just as I used to hate it without Allie.  Now I know that twice a week, she will be coming home to us.  She is still very much here.  She is alive and healthy and happy and not going anywhere.  

It's funny how I used to take that for granted.  Pregnancies used to mean babies.  Now babies mean babies.  

Tonight, we went out to dinner at a local steakhouse.  I noticed we sat in the same booth that we sat in on May 11, 2011.  I can't believe I remembered.  Yes, I can, actually.  That was Allie's due date.  We had just come from my OB from a post op check up and she had given me a prescription for strep throat.  My whole body was shutting down and my heart was in pieces.  But Gary and I went out to dinner to try to have some normalcy.  

Had I known then what I know now - that one day we would be there, in that same booth, but this time with a diaper bag and a high chair and a toddler in tow, would it have made me better back then?  No.  I still had to mourn the child I lost.  But would the knowledge of Miranda given me hope?  I feel like it might have.  No way to know for sure.

I wanted a child to raise very badly.  And now, I have one.  Can it be as simple as that? Some days yes....and some days no...

Today is one of the yes days.

Happy 4th to you all!

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