April 23rd

In the throes of a very hard day yesterday, I was reminded that today would be April 23rd.  And just like that, April 22nd would be behind me.

Yesterday started with a funeral.  So there was no chance of it being happy!  But the service was heartfelt and the love and support that was in that beautiful church was palpable.  Miranda was pretty well behaved and certainly was the cause of several smiles.  I was proud to be there and support my friends and proud to have her by my side.

I could not help but miss Allie.  I know it was just a day on the calendar, but the her absence was more acute yesterday.  I let myself have ONE day where I wondered what it would be like to be parenting a 3 year old. Where I wondered what I would be like if I had not ever experienced her loss.  I let myself look at my c-section scar and my stretch marks and wondered what it would be like to have the child here that caused those physical marks on my body.  The emotional ones are harder to see, I suppose.

364 days a year I do not let myself think like that because there would be no Miranda if Allie was still here.  And that breaks my still delicate heart.

As the day went on, my spirits got better.  Miranda and I had the windows open and allowed the fresh air in. We enjoyed the Spring weather and went outside for a bit.  We both took a little nap.  Then Gary came home with balloons and cupcakes and we had a meaningful balloon release and found ourselves more happy than sad.  For that is my goal - to always be more happy than sad.

April 22, 2011 - in the hospital - totally lost - too deep on grief to know which end was up
April 22, 2012 - home - still lost - beautiful little party and balloon release at our house
April 22, 2013 - home - 3 week old baby in my arms - so tired and overwhelmed that my grief did not have a place
April 22 - 2014 - home - realizing that this is how Allie's birthday will be moving forward. With my husband and our daughter and our memories

I love the cards and notes we got yesterday to commemorate Allie's birthday.  I love my family and friends for never forgetting her.  I love the tulips my mom brought over just because.  I love the smile on Miranda's face when she gets to play with a balloon.  Most of all, I love my life. I really do.  April 21st, April 23rd and yes, especially April 22nd.

Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow,
but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.
-Leo Tolstoy