Sunday, April 13, 2014

A Thousand Days (give or take)

It's hard to believe that Allie's 3rd birthday is just around the corner. 

Three years ago, I am not sure exactly what I was doing right now, but probably washing all the little girl clothes in Dreft, sitting in the glider in the newly painted nursery and counting kicks.  I think I was also finishing the thank you notes from all of my baby showers.

Two years ago, I am not exactly sure what I was doing right now, but probably missing all the little girl things I never got to do, sitting on the bed in the guest room and wondering if we were ever going to be able to turn the room into a nursery again.  I was also busy planning a birthday party for a girl that no one but her dad and I ever met and hoping and praying that she would not be forgotten.

One year ago, I am not exactly sure what I was doing right now, but odds are I was staring at our rainbow miracle and wondering how it was that I could be this happy after being that sad.

Today, right now, I am working on some freelance writing while my daughter sleeps upstairs.  There are no tears.  There is no staring.  There is just life.

Miranda did not replace Allie.  Miranda is not a substitute for Allie.  Miranda is the hope that I thought I lost.

Through my second daughter, I will always remember my first.  I will see all that I missed and I hope I will appreciate it all that much more. 

Out walking
There is no way to not smile when you are around Miranda.  She is truly all that is good in my world.  I just asked Gary this morning, when the 3 of us were out walking on this gorgeous Spring day, if he was happy.  He did not even pause.  "Yes.  I am."  I knew the answer before I asked it.

On our way back from the same walk, we saw a duck swimming in the creek out back.  Allie's Creek.  We stopped, pulled the stroller over it and just stared.  I unconsciously reached for Gary's hand.  "She would have liked that" he said.  We walked the rest of the way in silence.

Allie is in everything I do and everything I am.  I love her and miss her dearly.  I want to a good person and wife and mother and sister and friend for her memory.  I want her to have made me better.  I think she has.

It's been more than a thousand days without her.  Not a day goes by that she is not remembered.  And not a day will.

Miranda HOPE

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