Tuesday, August 21, 2012

If you know me well...

You know I have this uncanny ability to remember what I was wearing at various times in my life.  I do not always remember the who or the what or the where, but I know on September 11, 2001, I was wearing a black skirt with a magenta top that I adored.  Open toed shoes, too, as it was unseasonably warm that day.  But ok - that was a big event.  Let me try something more obscure...I remember the outfit I wore when Gary and I went out on our first date.  I did not know it was a date at the time so it was what I wore to work on that casual Friday.  Still, embroidered jeans that I had just fit back into (may or may not have been in style but I was losing weight and going to wear all the things that had eluded me during my heavier days!) and a white off the shoulder sweater with a camisole underneath.  The first time he brought me home to meet his family?  Why that would be brown pants and an off- white turtleneck sweater.  First day at this job over 6 years ago?  Black and white skirt, black top...closed toe shoes as I was not sure exactly what the dress code at my new company was yet.

I have always had this knack...it goes back to the shorts I was wearing when I broke my leg, which was the summer before 6th grade.  Grey shorts with a pink stripe down the side that they cut off of me in the Emergency Room.  So sad to lose them.  They were a favorite indeed. 

And to add to that list, I remember what I was wearing when the doctor told me that they had trouble finding our baby's heartbeat.  By the time we got the official news, I was in a gown, but on the way to the hospital and when I was first hooked up to all the machines, I remember what I wore. And I remember what I wore when I came home without her.

My fun little game is now a little bit of torture when I look through the closet and remember what I was wearing when.  I wore this top to my baby shower.  I wore that top to the funeral home.  This was what I wore the first time we saw the fertility specialist.  That is what I wore the first time they called and said they wish they had better news...we're sorry - you are not pregnant.

Yesterday we went to see the doctor once again to talk options, ideas, touch base...and I did something different for me.  I grabbed what was clean that I had no attachment to whatsoever and off we went.  We had a good meeting, talked for close to a half hour and decided to go at it again.  There is no reason that the doctor can see that we should not keep trying and he wants us to get pregnant almost as much as we do.  We left his office feeling positive and hopeful - with me still feeling a little sad that we had to have that meeting at all. Sometimes I feel stabs of pity but I try my best to see them head on and shove them away.  We do not have time or space or energy for pity these days.  (Or any day, I suppose!).

So today is a new day.  The sun is out.  The sky is blue.  We are still here.  We are honoring our daughter every day while trying to be compassionate to each other.  Soon I will log off and finish packing as we took this week off from work and are going on a mini-vacation. We are gonna sleep in and do touristy things and eat lazy big meals and laugh and talk and remember our past and plan for our future.  I better pack carefully as I might look back on this last vacation before we are pregnant and think about what I wore then...

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