There is such a fine line between living in the past and living in the present. Between mourning the child you lost and hoping for the child yet to be conceived. Between feeling low and sad and down and also and optimistic and excited and positive.
I have mentioned before that we are seeing a fertility specialist and I feel like we are in very good hands. More than that, I feel I am in very good hands with a husband who makes me feel like he is lucky to have married me virtually every single day. I am starting to see my glass as half full - and I like what I am seeing so much better.
Last week I told my mom that I could not wait to be pregnant again. For the past 15 months, pregnancy has scared the living daylights out of me and all I wanted was to bring home our baby. While that is still the goal, I now feel like I am ready to feel the kicks and watch my body change and carry our baby. It's a shift towards the half full glass, I believe.
And while this change has been slowly taking place, I find myself more desperate to find butterflies - to see Allie and have her know that I am not trying to replace her. To make sure she knows that I have not forgotten her. I found myself talking out loud to her sometimes. "Hi, baby girl. Mama loves you!" I still believe in a world where she can see us and love us and watch over us.
As we packed up our bags and headed for home earlier today, we started talking about next year. Did we want to go back to the same beach? Who else might be able to join us? When do we want to go? And my favorite question - will I be able to go for the whole weekend if there is a baby at home? Will I want to?
I do not know what next summer will bring. I do not know what tomorrow will bring! But I do know that to focus on the good times and the good people and the good friends and the good experiences can only lead to good things, right? I sure hope so!
Maybe there is no "line"...maybe I can just be who I am - a woman who desperately loves and cherishes the daughter that she had a woman who will desperately love and cherish the next child that she has as well. I sure like the sound of that!