Monday, August 13, 2012

Negative

If we got pregnant this month, our due date would have been April 22nd.  Now there is no way we would have gone 40 weeks, but I thought it was a sign!  It wasn't.

If we got pregnant this month, I would be starting to feel a new life inside of me.  I would have been tired and drained and happy and excited.  I am not.

If we got pregnant this month, I would find it easier to have hope.  I do not.

Today we got the news that yet another cycle was a failure and we are still trying to process it all.  I used to celebrate my half birthday but I stopped that this year.  For mid-July only indicated to me that I was THAT much closer to another birthday...and the odds of getting pregnant decrease the older I get.

I was so nervous at work waiting for the call that I packed up my laptop and came home.  Gary and I sat side by side and willed the phone to ring.  I hung up shortly after hearing the "I'm sorry I do not have better news" and started to cry.  Through the tears, I said to my husband, "I want to carry your baby. I want to give you a child."  His reply?  "You already did."  Oh man.  Crap!  That's right!  I did!  That's the fine line I wrote about last.  For as sad and angry and disappointed I am now, it does not hold a candle to the grief that we felt when we learned that Allie was never going to live in the same world as us.

So what now?  Now we plan a mini vacation as we both took off next week.  I am not sure where - somewhere close and reasonable - and then we come back and we try again.  We give it our all, while being kind to ourselves and remembering how much we matter to each others and those that love us.

A few months back, we looked into adoption.  We were so not ready then.  I am not sure we are now, either, but it might be time to revisit it.  I know several people who have been adopted and who have adopted and I know that families are formed in so many different ways.

So I am gonna take tonight and dwell on the negative and my puffy eyes and wild hair and general hot mess of a lump that I am and then I am going to wake up tomorrow, put a smile on my face and try my best to be positive.  If life is what you make of it, then I chose to make my life a positive one.  For my friends and family that almost blew up my phone today with their love and support, for my husband, for my daughter, for me.  And for the baby that we will someday have.  Cause I am NOT giving up without a fight.

5 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry, Sam. My heart goes out to you this evening, it's so painful to hear that particular bad news.

    You will be a Mama again, I'm sure of it and you will hold all your babes in your heart whether you gave birth to them or they joined your family by adoption. You and Gary have such big hearts and so much to give - I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about adoption.

    Katie

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  2. Sam,
    My wife and I rode the roller coaster of trying, and trying without meds and then using fertility treatments (I used to take some insane amount of vitamins each day --was it 16? and we did IUI for about 2 years; considered adoption but rolled the dice of doing IVF-IXY).
    It eventually worked out for us. But I remember feeling like a raw nerve, and it seemed like the media (songs, movies, TV shows) was constantly throwing the issue in our face with plot-lines and song topics that all seemed harsh and pointed right in our faces. It sucked.
    I remember feeling alone in our struggle. But please don't feel alone! We're all pulling for you and know you'll be parents--great parents.

    All the best to you both!

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  3. I am so sorry for you guys. I don't know what kind of adoption plan you had domestic or international but if you have any questions about adoptions from China I will try my best to help in any way. I know when we went through all the infertility treatments and then the adoption process I questioned whether I was supposed to be a mother or not. It was hell but I love the girls so much and your next child will be well worth all these treatments and stuff you are going through.

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  4. Sorry for your struggles Sam, and despite it all , it IS going to happen. You two deserve it. I have faith and I believe! Hugs while you wait!

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  5. A mini-vacation sounds like a great idea. I wish this post were so different, that you were sharing the exciting and scary news of a positive test. I'm sorry you are going through this added heartache. I know I've said it before but it's just not fair! I'm glad you are still writing and sharing each step of your story.

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