If we got pregnant this month, our due date would have been April 22nd. Now there is no way we would have gone 40 weeks, but I thought it was a sign! It wasn't.
If we got pregnant this month, I would be starting to feel a new life inside of me. I would have been tired and drained and happy and excited. I am not.
If we got pregnant this month, I would find it easier to have hope. I do not.
Today we got the news that yet another cycle was a failure and we are still trying to process it all. I used to celebrate my half birthday but I stopped that this year. For mid-July only indicated to me that I was THAT much closer to another birthday...and the odds of getting pregnant decrease the older I get.
I was so nervous at work waiting for the call that I packed up my laptop and came home. Gary and I sat side by side and willed the phone to ring. I hung up shortly after hearing the "I'm sorry I do not have better news" and started to cry. Through the tears, I said to my husband, "I want to carry your baby. I want to give you a child." His reply? "You already did." Oh man. Crap! That's right! I did! That's the fine line I wrote about last. For as sad and angry and disappointed I am now, it does not hold a candle to the grief that we felt when we learned that Allie was never going to live in the same world as us.
So what now? Now we plan a mini vacation as we both took off next week. I am not sure where - somewhere close and reasonable - and then we come back and we try again. We give it our all, while being kind to ourselves and remembering how much we matter to each others and those that love us.
A few months back, we looked into adoption. We were so not ready then. I am not sure we are now, either, but it might be time to revisit it. I know several people who have been adopted and who have adopted and I know that families are formed in so many different ways.
So I am gonna take tonight and dwell on the negative and my puffy eyes and wild hair and general hot mess of a lump that I am and then I am going to wake up tomorrow, put a smile on my face and try my best to be positive. If life is what you make of it, then I chose to make my life a positive one. For my friends and family that almost blew up my phone today with their love and support, for my husband, for my daughter, for me. And for the baby that we will someday have. Cause I am NOT giving up without a fight.