Be Okay

"I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today
I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today"-Ingrid Michaelson 

I stream Pandora when I am in the shower. I love to get my groove on when I am waiting for my conditioner to work its magic. It makes me happy.

This song came on yesterday. It's upbeat and positive and it snapped some sense into me that I desperately needed.

I just want to be okay.

Lately I have not been okay. Overall, I am good. Family? Good. Home? Good. Physical health? Good. Mental Health? Uhhhh....

I am my harshest critic. I know that. I am mean to myself. Mean in a way that I would never dare be to anyone else. Why is that and why do I think that is okay?

I need to let myself off the hook. For crying out loud, I am 42 years old. I have buried a child and I have buried my father. I have survived more than some and yet, I am sure, far less than others. I need to hold myself accountable for what and who I am and be happy with the choices I make no matter what.

I have gained back much of the weight I lost last year. It's no secret. I am working on getting it back off and keeping it off this time. I am embarrassed and ashamed. But why? I am human just like anyone else. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself! I have a team of people that I have assembled to help me but they can't help unless I totally let them in and listen to what they have to say. That is Step One.

I need to always monitor what I eat and why I eat it. I do not need to always be on a diet, but I need to always be aware. I need to get it through my head that that is just the way it is for me! That is Step Two.

And Step Three? Give myself a break! (I am still working on that one.)

There are so many things that are out of my control. It's time to control what I can and make sure that I am around for the long haul.

Miranda fell at school yesterday. When Gary picked her up and saw the band-aid on her knee, she proudly said that she fell down but she got back up again! She was so proud of herself.

It's time for me to live like my daughter in some ways. Not to care what others think. Walk to the beat of my own drummer. Pick myself up when I fall.

As for the tantrums and potty training, she can keep those!

I just want to be okay.