Spinning in the Dust

"I lost a part of myself that day and I'll never get it back."

"There is life after this. I promise you that."

"It's not just a loss of the baby. It's the loss of a possibility of what might have been." 

"How many children do you have?  Two. I have two." 

I could quote Return to Zero all night long.  It would be easy to do.  The movie has haunted me all day.

I do not shy away from talking about my pregnancy.  I do not shy away from talking about my first born.  For 3 years, I have opened myself up and made my self raw with the memories that sometimes haunt and sometimes delight me.  And yet, sitting in my living room last night and watching someone else act out a story based on a true story, I fell to pieces.

I had the wine.  I had the brownie.  I dimmed the lights.  I lit a scentsy candle.  I was as prepared as I could be.

5 minutes in and I got a text from a friend who asked me if there was anything she could say to make me not watch it.  A mother herself, she was already in tears and wanted to spare me.  So sweet.  But I said I had to watch it.  If I want to spread awareness, I needed to know how the public was going to view stillbirth after viewing this movie.

It was absolutely gut wrenching.  While I do not shy away from talking or sharing about my daughter, Allie, I do tend to put the worst pain in a compartment and store it away for most of my days.   On screen, I watched them look for their baby's heartbeat.  I held my breath while they searched.  My ears rung as they pronounced the baby dead.  I shuddered when they gave the mother medicine to induce her.  I wept loudly and openly when they held their baby.  I was that mom.  I am that mom.

The story on the screen was not my story - we all have different stories.  But the loss was my loss and the utter despair and loneliness and sorrow could have been mine.  It was April 2011 again and I swear, for a brief moment, I felt like Allie was in the room watching the movie with me.

Return to Zero broke the silence about stillbirth.  Was it hard to watch?  Incredibly.  Was I glad I did?  Yes.  No question.  In a few weeks, I will receive a DVD of the movie since I donated some money to get the movie made.  Then I will remove the film from my DVR and watch my own personal copy again when and if I am ready.  For now, I saw what I needed to and I am good with that.

If you get a chance to watch the film, I recommend it.  They did a beautiful job.  They gave our babies a voice.  Each and every one that was born still but still born.  

Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein performed a song that was played in the movie.  I downloaded it on iTunes and have been playing it all day.  The line that repeats in my head over and over is, "I know what I know is not enough.  Here below, as we're spinning in the dust.  Spinning in the dust."

A few hours before the movie, we went to the Annual Tree Planting Ceremony that our hospital puts on every year.  There were some familiar faces and there were some new faces.  Our babies keep dying.  We stand together and read some prayers and try to remember that we are not alone.  This year I was asked to read a poem which was an extreme honor.  I do not think I could have done it in the past. 

Why do some babies live while others die?  Why are we blessed with 2 babies, but one is an angel looking over us while the other is asleep in her crib?  Why?  I do not have the answer. I am just "spinning in the dust".