Return to Zero

Return to Zero is based on the true story of a successful couple, Maggie (MINNIE DRIVER) and Aaron (PAUL ADELSTEIN) who are preparing for the arrival of their first child. Just weeks before their due date they are devastated to discover that their baby son has died in the womb and will be stillborn.

This movie will debut on Lifetime on Saturday, May 17th at 8pm.  I am terrified.

I have been following the making of this movie for well over a year.  There have been Facebook groups and email campaigns and we even donated money in Allie's name to help with the production costs.  I want to bring awareness to stillbirth.  I want to make the topic of infant death one that is not taboo. 

And yet, here I am, 3 days before the movie is set to premiere and I am petrified.  Gary does not particularly want to watch it - he says we already lived it. I respect that.  My mom said she thinks it will be too hard to watch.  I was going to invite some friends over but I think it is something I need to watch alone.  But I am so scared.

We came through the other side.  We worked our way through the grief of losing our first born like I have never worked on anything before.  Grief counseling and support groups and hours and hours of talking and crying and remembering and loving.  Can I now watch someone else go through it? They are just actors on the screen but it is written on and produced by a dad who lived it.  

The answer is that I can.  I feel like I have to.  Will I take several breaks?  Will I have lots of tissues?  Will I drink a whole bottle of wine while viewing?  Yes, yes and probably.  But if I want others to learn and understand and spread awareness, then I need to hold myself to the same standard.  I want to see what the public will see.  And maybe I can learn a thing or two that will help me counsel the next mom or dad that comes to me for support.

I am so lucky to be a mom to 2 precious girls.  The fact of the matter is, though, is that most people just see 1.  Not our friends and family, but the rest of the world.  Maybe this movie will help change that.

Saturday is the Annual Tree Planting Ceremony that our hospital hosts for babies that were born still.  Gary, Miranda and I will go and pay tribute to Allie.  It's supposed to be a lovely day.  Then once Miranda is safely in bed and dreaming of rainbows and unicorns, I will turn the on the TV.  It will be an emotional day from start to finish but I am hoping it is a peaceful one. 

"Return to Zero" is returning to a place where you need to start completely over.  I have been there...and if you can bear it, perhaps you should take the journey by watching this movie, too.