Sunday, July 21, 2013

Limbo

Limbo is defined as "an intermediate place or state". I think it's technically a religious term but that is not how I think of it.  I think of it is a place in between where you are and where you want to be.  

I feel like I am in limbo right now and I can't really explain why.  Being a mom, a real live parenting mom is a gazillion times more awesome than I ever dreamed.  It's also that much harder.  And I have help.  Real help.  A husband / dad who does every bit as much as me.  And yet it's still being on, 100% of the time.  Putting the needs of the baby before yours.  Making sure she wants or needs for nothing.

I am getting used to being a working mom.  Last week was easier than the first week.  I found myself able to enjoy the time at my desk or immersing myself in my work and I sure loved getting paid on Friday!  But I still struggle with dropping her off and pulling out of the driveway knowing that it will be hours before I will see her again.

I miss parts of my life pre-Miranda. And I hate myself for saying that as before her, all I could think about was her. And her sister.  Maybe what I miss is not the life I had before but the grief that I was able to hang on to more before.  Maybe that's it.  Allie has become a butterfly in the truest sense.  She flutters around and I see her several times a day but there is not much time for anything else.  Her room is Miranda's room.  Her clothes are Miranda's clothes.  It's not like she has been replaced...and yet it is harder to feel her like I used to.

I still look at the scar that stretches below my belly and I try to remember Allie inside of me.  It hurts.  I think of that naive woman that I was then and I miss her.  She is long gone.

We will always talk to Miranda about adoption.  She will always know that her birth mother did not "give her up" but hand picked Gary and I to raise her and be her parents.  And yet I have this vision of her watching me get ready for work or a party like I used to do with my own mother and ask me why I have that scar.  How will I tell her it was from a baby that I had that is not here?  How do we explain stillbirth when I do not understand it myself?  I never want her to feel like she was Allie's replacement - I want her to know that we loved Allie so much that we knew we had to grow our family so that we could share that love.  It's so hard.  

I am not sure why I feel like I am in limbo, but I do. I also feel like the girl in the bubble.  Is that a thing?  Our lives so completely revolve around this little girl that I have lost sight of other things.  I am aware of current events and heat waves and maybe even gas prices, but I feel so out of the loop on other things.  But do those other things matter?  If so,why?

I suspect that these feelings are not that unique to me.   Maybe it's a little bit of feeling like I have all that I have ever wanted...now what?  I think I need to take a step back and just live in the moment. Enjoy all the coo's and giggles and love and affection and take each stage and each step as it comes.  Only then will my feeling of limbo subside as I move on to the next phase or the next stage.  

I need to remember to be kind to myself.  My heart and soul have been through a lot these past few years.  It's ok to feel what I feel.  Whatever that is.  Those feelings make me who I am.  They are as much as part of me as anything else.  I can feel up and I can feel down.  As long as I love and allow myself to be loved, I think I will be just fine.

My heart

1 comment:

  1. I understand this feeling of limbo. I also feel like I am in it. A lot. Almost like I am waiting for life to start back again. Sometimes when I am feeling really stressed or filled with anxiety I think about the pre-children days and I feel guilty as well. After losing a child you're just not the same person anymore. It's almost like starting over from scratch, although less innocent than you were before.

    Rebecca Patrick-Howard
    www.lifeaftersids.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

A Letter to My First Daughter

My Dearest Allie, It’s been a while since I have written to you. I find it easier to write about you than it is to write to you. ...