Thursday, May 26, 2011

I know what I want

For as long as I can remember, I have been on a diet.  Atkins, Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, good ol' counting calories, hypnosis (yeah, really) and the list goes on.  I have been a member of many different gyms as well and we even have an elliptical machine in our basement.  But walking is the exercise that has always worked best for me - just plain power walking. I can do it anywhere, I can do it with others or I can do it with my iPod.  And it's free!

I remember going for walks when I was in the market for a new car.  I would look at all the cars on the road and try to visualize myself in one and fantasize about which one I wanted.  The color, the style, the way I would look in a specific make and model.  It was a fun game and it made my walks go quickly.

As I got older, I started to think that I did not want to rent forever and perhaps it was time to buy a place of my own.  This was pre-Gary, of course!  I used to look at different developments as I walked the sidewalks and streets and try to picture myself in a two story colonial or a one story rancher.  I would look at lawns and driveways and parking lots and try to picture what was most important to me and what I wanted.  Did I care about the neighbors or the proximity to the grocery store?  Did school districts matter?  No, back then I was more interested in the "cute" factor and how close it would be to the train station as I always imagined commuting into Center City, Philadelphia for work.

Several cars later and one condo bought and long since sold, I am back to walking again.  I could not do much the last few months of my pregnancy as I was sooo tired that all I could really do after working all day was come home and crash.  And even now, I am not supposed to do much till I get cleared by my doctor at my 6 week check up next week, but she did say it would be ok to walk as long as I took it slowly and did not get my heart rate up too high.

So I have been walking again.  It feels good to be outside and to do something for me.  I can't do much about the wiggle and jiggle that is my body right now, but I can start to take care of myself and hope that the walking will start to help put things go back to where they once were.  But here's the thing.  My arms feel limp as they are not pushing a stroller like I thought they would be by now.  And with my empty arms, I realized that I am no longer looking at cars or houses, but now I am looking at the kids out playing and the parents out with them and I feel such a longing in my soul that it takes my breath away.  I never knew how easy I had it before when I wanted something - I could just go after it.  Not so much now.  We went after what we wanted and got our hearts crushed.   I know we will go after it again and maybe this time, with our Allie's help, we will get what we want and I can finally stop looking everywhere else.  

As for the diet, I think I have a few more weeks to enjoy what I want before I worry about that!  I dare anyone to tell my differently!

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