My "Why"

When I first got interested in selling Rodan + Fields, I was told to craft my "why".  Have a reason in my mind that will give me the courage to reach out, make me remember why I got involved in the first place and have something to focus on, aside from the products themselves.

I did not have to think long.  My family is my "why".

3 days a week, I lace up my sneakers, pull my hair into a ponytail, squeeze my body into clothes that are not flattering and I run.  I run to feel better.  I run to get in shape. I run to set an example for my daughter.  I run to make sure I am around for a long time to come.

I am a freelance writer.  2 days a week from home and 1 day a week from an office of my very own.  I write about training classes and blog about human resource practices and I do it so that I can be home with Miranda the rest of the week and so that I can keep my mind sharp so that I can play with her and teach her all the things that she will need to know.  I also do it so that I can afford to buy her whatever her (and my) heart desires.

I never assumed that I was going to be a wife and I certainly never thought I was going to be a mother.  Now that I am both, I can't imagine it any other way.  

Allie is my why, even though she is not here.  You can't see her, but she is here.  I know it.

Miranda is my why and she brings more light and laughter to all those around her than I ever would have thought possible.

Gary is my why - for without him, I would be so lost.

My brothers, my sisters-in-law, my mom, my in-laws...all part of my why.  For them I want to be strong and healthy and happy.

Lastly, I am my own why.  I deserve all of these things.  It took me most of my life to see that, but lately it has become so clear to me.  

Do you know your why?  Take a moment and make sure you do.  You won't regret it.

Save the Boobies...Remember the Babies

It's October again.  Leaves are falling off the trees and there is a chill in the air.  Fall has arrived.

The color pink has also arrived - in every store that we go to and every place that I look.  I am glad breast cancer awareness has become so, well, aware.  I have family members who are proud survivors and I always donate to Susan G. Komen (as well as other charities) throughout the year.

Most people are not aware that October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Declared to be so in 1988 by then-President Ronald Regan, it seems that each year, it is slowly getting more and more recognition.

Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, also falls in October this year (as is often does).  On that day, we fast and reflect and vow to not make the same mistakes we have made in the past.  We repent for our sins of the past year and get a clean slate for the next year.  

I do not need to change the calendar to think about Allie.  Nor do I need to fast in order to repent.  But having a specific day or month to celebrate or commemorate is kind of neat.

I have been reflecting a lot these days.  More than normal, it seems.  A few weeks ago, I saw a little girl about Ella's age and thought to myself how adorable she was.  And then I realized she was probably Allie's age.   I am starting to associate more and more with the child or children that are here (my wonderful nieces) and less and less with the child that is not.

I have not forgotten my first daughter.  I will never forget her.  My scars are fading but my love for her is not.

Parenting Miranda does not allow for a lot of time for self-pity.  But it does allow time for self-reflection.  Would I be happy now if Miranda was not here?  If I was still waiting to be an active parent?  I do not think so.  And yet being Miranda's mom has brought me such joy and such happiness that while it does not erase the pain of losing Allie, it certainly eases it.

Does happiness only come out of pain?

Am I a better parent because at one point, I had nothing to lose? Am I a better person for the same reason?

On October 15th, we will have a balloon release.  Just Gary, Miranda and me.  Miranda will surely participate and by next year, start to ask questions.  Where do we begin?

Maybe it's not a question of where to begin since we are already "in" it.  Maybe it's how to we continue?

Fly high, Allie.  We love you.  This month...and every month.  This day...and every day.  

Tick Tock

This month more than any recently, I have had the chance to catch up with some old friends.  There was our Annual Girls Weekend down the shore in early September, lunch with 2 of my college roommates last week and then this past weekend, I went to VA to celebrate the 40th birthday of one of my dearest friends (also a college roommate!).

It seems like in each instance, the past came up.  Past birthdays, past experiences, past memories.  Each time I wondered - if those things seem so far away from us now I am just 40, how will I even remember them when I am 60?  Or 80?

In some ways, the passage of time feels right.  It feels good to get older and wiser (or maybe just wiser).  I couldn't wait to drive or to vote or to drink.  By 25, I hit all the major milestones but I kept aging anyway.  And here I am.

I think back fondly to my high school days.  While not the best time of my life, it was certainly not the worst!  I loved high school theater and still get some of the songs from our productions stuck in my head.  Before those days, I was active in my synagogue youth group and those memories always make me smile.

College was quite an experience for me.  The classes, the connections, the learning from books and from people - I would not trade any of it.  

The people I have met along the way have shaped me into who I am.  Some of whom I am still friends with and some that are just faces in old photo albums.  

Post college was an assortment of jobs and career choices which I took so seriously back then and wish I could have told myself to enjoy the ride more and worry less about the rent.  But I was not that different from any other recent grad who had no idea what she wanted to be when she grew up.

Then there was the dating pool.  One day, I will write a book.  A book on love and loss and online dating.  These stories should not die with me.  I dated someone named Steve Irwin who looked NOTHING like the Crocodile Hunter.  I dated a bookie who proudly told me all his cash was hidden under his mattress.  I went out with someone who was deaf in one of his ears and I could never tell if he was laughing at my jokes or smiling because he couldn't hear a damn thing I said.

Then there was "Gary from Work".  And that was it.  Our story began the night we met and has been (to me) one of the greatest stories of all time.

Even with our loss.

Losing Allie was what defined me for so long.  Not a day goes by that I do not think of the precious life that I carried.  That I do not have a memory of her kicking me or keeping me up at night with heartburn.  I think about holding her still body in my arms and wish I had the courage to hold her longer.  

Becoming Miranda's mom at the time that I did, was simply the best.  For much of that first year, I let that define me.  It was a role I was born to play and I finally got the chance and damn, I was good at it!

Now the baby haze is fading.  She is a toddler.  She is able to do more and more by herself and watching her learn it all is one of the truest joys of my life.

Starting next week, my freelance hours will be 25/week.  It's turned it a "real" part time job.  Miranda will be in daycare 3 days a week.  And time will keep marching on.

I am not sure what is next for us, but I am kind of excited to see.  

Tick tock. It's time to make new memories. 

Past and Present

Last week, my past caught up to me as I met my (former) step-brother for drinks.  My brother, Dan, came with me and we had no idea what to expect.

It has been 15 years since his dad and my mom split - but longer than that since we had seen each other since it was post college and we were already scattered.  Dan and I were local and our step-brother was in NY for a bit and then OH, where he still is now.

There is something amazing about seeing someone who has known you back before you really knew who you were.  They remember little tidbits about you or the house you grew up in or the food you used to eat...and it makes you warm from the inside out.

There was so much of my childhood that was difficult.  So much that I do not like to think too much about.  But there was a lot of good, too - and the fact that we could sit down after all these years and celebrate the good was really nice.

We are all different now - but we embraced those differences for a couple of hours one night and it was really great.

My step-brother reached out to us.  Perhaps because his sister has reconnected with us and it's been amazing.  He said it was because he lost a lot of people this year and wanted to be around positive things and life.  Whatever the reason, we are both so glad he did. 

This is a different kind of post.  This one is a "call to action".  I urge you to track down that old friend or that old family member that you still think about and try to reconnect.  See if there is anything there.  You just might be surprised.

An Anniversary of Sorts

This week marks the one year anniversary of my last day in the corporate world.  Last year this week, I was working.  Training classes, designing a corporate newsletter and towing the company line.

I did not know that behind the scenes, my company was restructuring my department.  I did not know that I was on my way out.  I did not have any idea the end was near.

In hindsight, when they laid me off, they were kind.  I received a nice severance package, was able to file for unemployment and was able to keep in touch with the contacts that I had made over 7 years.

What they also gave me was the chance to stay home and watch my daughter grow up and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

I cried for a good part of that first week.  I am not going to lie.  I was scared and anxious and depressed.  My world was turned upside down in a way that I had not seen coming and had not expected.  I was speechless and stunned.

Gradually, I found my rhythm.  We joined Gymboree.  We scheduled play dates.  We went for walks.  Miranda and I became a team even more so than before. 

I updated my resume.  I interviewed at a few places.  I dreaded going back to work and missing the changes that were bound to occur every day.

Then an opportunity to freelance came my way.  We worked out the details and it was perfect.  I could write and do marketing and be my own boss.  I could also do it all on nights and weekends and nap time. 

By early Summer, that opportunity had grown from a few hours a week to 15-20 hours a week and we were able to put Miranda in daycare twice a week.  There she gets to play with other kids, learn all sorts of things I might not even think of teaching her and experience a life outside of us.  On the off days, we are back to being a team.

By mid Summer,  I was presented with another opportunity.  In addition to my freelance, I am now an Independent Consultant for Rodan + Fields. Partnering with the doctors that created Proactiv, I am now helping my friends and family get the best skin of their lives.  It's unlike anything I have ever done but I am loving it!  The products are all great and I totally believe in them.  If things keep going well, the commission checks should be nice, too!  (Shameless plug...message me for more information if you are at all interested or intrigued!).

By late Summer, I was presented with yet another opportunity.  This job will be about 5 hours a week and it's pretty much customer service, but I can do it from home and in the meantime, help out a friend who needs help and has not been able to get it!  We are meeting tomorrow to get me started.

A year ago, I had one professional career.  Now I have several.  A year ago, I was missing my daughter day in and day out.  Now I am with her more than I ever thought I could be.  In time I want to grow my freelance business and if there is one thing this past year has taught me, it's that I can pretty much do anything when I put my mind to it.  That is a really great feeling.

I wonder how many jobs I will have a year from now??  I can't wait to see what that anniversary brings.

Miranda helping me work

One Size Fits Most

I am not like "most" people.  Never have been.

There have always been things that made me different.  Divorced parents.  Being Jewish.  A gay dad.  I was always a few pounds heavier, a few notes off key or just a little different than the others around me. 

As I got older, I learned to accept my circumstances and differences and in many ways, embrace them.  I was able to use much of my past as material that would make others laugh so hard that they would cry.  I liked being a little different.  I still do.

I used to shave the back of my head and wear all black to announce to the world that I was unique.  Now I dress the way I want to and let people figure it out on their own.

When Allie died, one of the things that crossed my mind during those dark days was how this was yet one more thing that was going to make me different.  I did not want to be the mom who lost her child or the woman who had to bury her baby.  That crushed me.  Not only did I have to suffer the unbearable agony of not having her here to parent, but I was constantly reminded of what should have been. 

The time we spent trying to build our family after our loss was agony.  The appointments, the shots, the medication, the injections the procedures...the negatives each step of the way.

Then we went to the adoption agency for an informational session.  Then we filled out the paperwork.  Then we had a home study.  Then we had a fundraiser.  Then we got picked.

It was so...dare I say it?  Easy!  The steps were hard and the emotions were running high but once we made the decision, it was so right.

Now I have a daughter to raise.  She keeps me on my toes every second of every day.  She makes me laugh so hard that I sometimes cry.  She somehow has my nuances and some of my differences.  And I think that makes her all the more special.

I am not "most".  I am not "all".  But I am a mother who is learning her way just like any other mother and I am enjoying the journey for the first time in a long time.  I have both my girls to thank for that - and all the people whom I have loved along the way who love me back.  Differences and all.

Our "Allie Butterfly" who lives right outside

One of Miranda's many smiles

Home

"Home is where the heart is
No matter how the heart lives
Inside your heart where love is
That's where you've got to make yourself
At home"

-Peter, Paul & Mary

I grew up hearing that song.  It pops into my head now and again.  Especially this past week.

A few days ago, we got back from our first family vacation.  We rented a house in the Pocono Mountains and set off for an adventure.  And an adventure we had!  Family came to stay with us for different parts of the week and we did everything from swimming in the lake, jumping off the dock, paddle boating, sunbathing, grilling, walks (or hikes - such a hilly terrain!) and a trip to a local zoo.  We laughed so hard our sides hurt.  We enjoyed the togetherness.  We enjoyed the different environment.  We enjoyed being away.

That being said, Miranda was sick.  Then I got sick.  Then Miranda realized that sleeping in her pack n' play was not nearly as nice as her crib and by the end of the week, started a sleeping boycott.  Then the rain came.  Then the colder weather.  Eventually, we decided to take the warm and fuzzy memories and pack up and head home.

All in all, it was a pretty good week.  Were we more tired when we got home?  Yes.  Is that typical of vacations?  Yes.  Are we going away again any time soon?  Probably not!  Is that typical?  Probably yes!

There was something so special about coming home.  I love our home.  The home where our family began.  The home where Allie's creek runs out back.  A few months ago we talked about moving to a bigger home.  One with a larger yard and a more spacious garage.  One with a playroom or a finished basement.  But the more we talked, the more we realized that this home is our home and we are not ready to part with it yet.  So we are making some improvements so that we can continue to enjoy our time here.  Kitchen renovations started yesterday!  Going to be a long 3-4 weeks but hopefully worth it in the end.

Home really is where the heart is...at least where our heart is.  One in the creek out back and one sleeping soundly in her crib (finally!). 

"All I ever wanted was to make this house a home..." - Indigo Girls