The color pink has also arrived - in every store that we go to and every place that I look. I am glad breast cancer awareness has become so, well, aware. I have family members who are proud survivors and I always donate to Susan G. Komen (as well as other charities) throughout the year.
Most people are not aware that October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Declared to be so in 1988 by then-President Ronald Regan, it seems that each year, it is slowly getting more and more recognition.
Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, also falls in October this year (as is often does). On that day, we fast and reflect and vow to not make the same mistakes we have made in the past. We repent for our sins of the past year and get a clean slate for the next year.
I do not need to change the calendar to think about Allie. Nor do I need to fast in order to repent. But having a specific day or month to celebrate or commemorate is kind of neat.
I have been reflecting a lot these days. More than normal, it seems. A few weeks ago, I saw a little girl about Ella's age and thought to myself how adorable she was. And then I realized she was probably Allie's age. I am starting to associate more and more with the child or children that are here (my wonderful nieces) and less and less with the child that is not.
I have not forgotten my first daughter. I will never forget her. My scars are fading but my love for her is not.
Parenting Miranda does not allow for a lot of time for self-pity. But it does allow time for self-reflection. Would I be happy now if Miranda was not here? If I was still waiting to be an active parent? I do not think so. And yet being Miranda's mom has brought me such joy and such happiness that while it does not erase the pain of losing Allie, it certainly eases it.
Does happiness only come out of pain?
Am I a better parent because at one point, I had nothing to lose? Am I a better person for the same reason?
On October 15th, we will have a balloon release. Just Gary, Miranda and me. Miranda will surely participate and by next year, start to ask questions. Where do we begin?
Maybe it's not a question of where to begin since we are already "in" it. Maybe it's how to we continue?
Fly high, Allie. We love you. This month...and every month. This day...and every day.