Saturday Ramblings

When your life consists of diapers and feedings and laundry, you tend to lose track of time.  I am surprised this has happened to me since I am such a planner.  I live by my calender and always know what time it is.  Or at least I did.  Someone told me earlier this week that she was excited for a short work week next week and I had no idea why.  Oh my.  It's May!  It's Memorial Day Weekend!  I had no idea.  The last time I knew it was a holiday was Easter.  Miranda's birthday.

So here we are with an almost 8 week old in our house and everything has changed.  In such an amazing way.  Some of the changes you can see (like the Babies R Us wing in our house) and some you can't (like the depth of the love that we both feel for this itty bitty baby).  Life is different now and I suspect it always will be.  I also suspect that this is exactly what we have been waiting for.  She is what was missing from our lives.

I struggle some days with how Allie fits into our family and then I realize that it's not really a struggle at all.  She is Miranda's sister and she is the baby that we felt kick and grow.  She is the butterfly that soars through the sky and she is the light in our soul.  She is never far from our hearts and yet she is no longer the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night.  Miranda is.  I suppose some of that is time.  Some of that is healing.  Some of that is just life.

I have started to tour some local daycare centers in preparation for my going back to work.  Some of the places are new and some I toured 2 years ago.  For the ones that I already went to, I am usually asked if I have been there before.  The first time I was asked, I said that I toured there a few years ago but that my daughter was stillborn.  Oh the look that I got.  Then the questions.  I resented it immediately because although I could talk about Allie until the sun sets and then rises again, I was there to find a good place for Miranda.  I did not want to short change either daughter.  The next time I was asked, I simply said that I was on a tour a few years ago when I was pregnant but sadly that pregnancy did not work out.  Is that any better?  Was I denying one daughter to spare another?  I do not think so.  I think I was just being a mom.  

Every so often I will be out with Miranda and someone will stop me to tell me how cute she is or how beautiful she is.  People are still asking if she is my first.  It's easier just to say yes.  How do I explain that she is my second without explaining why my first is not also there with me?

A few have remarked how Miranda looks just like me.  I smile and say thank you.  At first I denied it and said something like, "I doubt it...she's adopted!" but now I do not even do that.  I think she does kind of look like me.  And somehow she does kind of look like Gary.  She is as much ours as if she came from us and why explain that it's kind of impossible?  We know and respect where Miranda came from and have nothing but gratitude and admiration for her birth mother.  The fact of the matter is, though - we are her parents now.  We really and truly are.

Stillbirth.  Adoption.  Parenting.  They are all words that swirl around in my head.  They are all a part of my life.  Just as both of my daughters are a part of my life.  Now and forever...please, pretty pretty please.

4:44

I have wanted to write for over a week now.  I wanted to detail Mother's Day and how lovely of a day it was.  I wanted to talk about Miranda and how crazy in love her dad and I are both about her.  I wanted to write about how tired I am and yet how blissfully happy I am at the same time.

And as I sat here composing my thoughts for the first time that I have had to even sit down in front of my laptop since who knows when, I saw the clock read 4:44.

I immediately closed my eyes and started to think, "I hope that something great happens today."  And then I stopped myself and started to laugh.  Old habits die hard.  In the past, any time I saw a digital clock with all of the same numbers, I used to close my eyes and make a wish.  The same wish every time.  It might be time for me to stop making that wish for all of my dreams have already come true.

3 years ago this month, Gary and I said, "I do."  I choked back the tears as I saw the love that this man had for me and it made me dizzy.  It still does.  He still does.

2 years ago this month, Allie was due.  She never made it to May.  But we have made it to and through that month 2 times now with nothing but love and gratitude for the short period of time that we had with her.

Every day of this month, I have woken to the sounds of cooing or crying or laughing or gurgling and I almost always think (while wiping the sleep out of my eyes) that we have it all.  And I know that I am right.

What else is there to wish for? Maybe it's time I stop hogging all the wishes and leave room for some other people.

Such a happy baby

Both tired...both happy

Mother's Day Flowers

Celebrating Allie's due date at a local winery with my BFF's

Rainbows and Turtles!

Cousin Ella and Miranda

Us

Our Rainbow

"Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain"      

Gary Allan from his album, "Set You Free"

My mom came over today so that I could go for a walk.  Funny how the things that I used to just "do" now require so much planning!  Anyway, she is happy to get some one-on-one time with Miranda so it all works out well.  Which is good since she is still here which means that today I can blog!

So there I was, out and about, when this Gary Allan song shuffled into play.  Gary bought it for me a few months ago but the words really resonated with me now.  I feel like the darkness of our last 2 years is something in my past. It's a part of my present, but really much more my past.  The darkness has turned to light and the heartache has indeed faded.  Some of that is time.  Some of that is Miranda.  Some of that is life.

In all the paperwork that we filled out to bring Miranda home, we allowed for 2 visits and 4 Skype calls a year with her birth mother.  Our first video call was this past weekend.  I thought it would be 15 minutes.  It was 40.  I thought it would be easy.  It was not.  That's not to say it was hard.  It was just surreal to me - to share our baby with the person who created her.  To talk about milestones and doctor's appointments and eating and sleeping schedules.  To wish her a Happy Mother's Day for she is indeed a mother.  To be filled with such gratitude for her and for this little person that has changed our whole world.  I was glad we made the call but it emotional for all of us.  We set up our 1st visit at the adoption agency's annual picnic next month.   I am curious to see how I will feel on that day.  No matter what,  I just need to remind myself that it is in the best interest of Miranda to know where she came from and how much love has always surrounded her.

After every storm there is a rainbow of hope...Here I am

Mother's Day is this weekend and I am freaking out a bit.  Well,  not freaking out - but I am VERY aware of it.  It's not my first Mother's Day - it's my 3rd.  But it's the first one I feel like I can celebrate.  I want to scream from the rooftops - I AM A MOM!!  I never felt like I could do that before.  Not being able to parent Allie did not mean I was not her mom - but it did make it hard to celebrate.  Now all I want to do is rejoice!  For both of my girls.

A second person asked me this week if Miranda was my first child.  I said yes this time, faster than I did in the Disney Store last week.  I am not denying Allie - I am just choosing how much of my story I want to share.

I still struggle with the absolute bliss I feel now that Miranda is here.  Does that mean that the last 2 years never happened?  NO!  It just means that my storm has run out of rain.  At least that is how I feel about it today.

from http://www.october15th.com/

I ran into someone this weekend who recently lost his daughter.  She was not a baby and yet I felt I had some words that could help console.  Grief is grief and people that have had to bury their children know a whole world of grief.  In the same week that I was able to give "mom" advice to a friend, I was able to comfort a mourning father.  I have both my girls to thank for that.

So I am looking forward to Mother's Day.  I will embrace it.  I will celebrate it with my mom and next week with Gary's mom.  I will finally feel like I am a real part of the "mom" club and I will try to enjoy it.  I suspect that it might not be that hard after all.  Rainbows are hope and happiness and light.  Rainbows make anything possible!  Rainbows often come when the storm runs out of rain.

happy sad exhilirated exhausted

I love being a mom.

I never got to embrace motherhood before Miranda because even the word made me sad.  Made me long for what should have been.  Made my arms ache.  That's all different now.

That's not to say that Miranda being here makes up for the fact that her sister is not.  It just means we are too busy making sure that we are doing everything right that we do not have time to think about much else!

This has been a banner week for me.  On Monday, Miranda and I went to the mall for the first time.  We met up with Gary and a friend from work who is expecting her first child this summer.  It was the first time I was solo with the baby in the car and with the stroller and I was a natural!  Although only at the mall long enough to run into Weight Watchers and get weighed (still losing...woot!!!) and then grab lunch at the food court (Chick Fil A - don't judge), it was a great "first" for us.  Our coworker was asking me questions about motherhood and I felt damn proud that I could help her.  I know mom things now!!  We laughed.  We shared stories.  We ate.

Before they went back to work, we ran into the Disney store.  Back when I was pregnant with Allie, we went in there towards the very end and bought 2 stuffed animals.  Piglet for us and Lady for my sister-in-law who was due around the same time as me.  We were able to give Lady to Ella the night she was born whereas Piglet has sat on a shelf in our house for the past 2 years.  So we wanted something new.  While Gary was checking out the merchandise (and I think trying to justify an Iron Man or superhero purchase for himself), I was just looking around the store.  All the princess things that I stopped looking at so abruptly 2 years ago.  The tiaras!  The boas!  We are in trouble!  One of the employees saw me walking around with Miranda and stopped to say how beautiful she was.  Then she asked if she was my first.  I paused and said yes.  She said congrats and wished us luck and I kept walking.  Gary purchased Marie and then we were on our way.

As soon as we left the store, I told Gary and our friend what had happened.  They asked how I handled it and I told them.  I learned a while back that not telling someone my whole life story does not deny the existence of my daughter.  What good would have come from telling that woman that in fact Miranda was our second daughter and that our first was born still?  I can't imagine the look on her face in the middle of such a vibrant and colorful store.  What good would it have done?  I know I have 2 daughters in my heart.  I also know I have 1 daughter in my arms.

Today we went to Miranda's 1 month check up.  She is thriving!  Up to 9 pounds, 11 oz and has grown in length, too.  Atta girl!  We are so proud. 

In the cases of adoption, the birth mother and birth father each terminate their parental rights.  In the state of Delaware where Miranda was born, there is a 14 day revocation period.  We had to hold our breath there for a bit, but I am happy to report that the 14 days have come and gone and we are in good shape!  There are still many more milestones before we will sit down with a judge and he or she will officially declare Miranda "ours", but we can wait.  For us, it's really just a piece of paper.  An important piece, yes, but there is no denying that she is already ours.

So on to month 2 we go.  We are learning more each day about Miranda and her needs and about us and our needs! We have been happy and we have been sad.  We have been exhilarated and more often than not, we have been exhausted.  And we would not have it any other way.

2 Years

Yesterday was Allie's 2nd birthday.  How in the world that happened is beyond me.  2 years since I held her in my arms. 2 years since we said hello and goodbye in the same moment. 2 years since we lost all our hope.

We decided to have a low key celebration this year.  Gary left work a little early and stopped to get some pink balloons and a little cake.  We wrote messages to Allie and then released the balloon into the crisp but sunny and bright day.  We bundled Miranda up and took her out on the deck with us.  My mom stopped by and was by our side.  It was emotional.  It was sweet.  It was everything a 2nd birthday party could be for a child that is not here with us.

A few days ago, I looked at Gary and said, "What a difference a year makes."  He replied back with, "What a difference a MONTH makes!"  And he was right.  Last month was waiting and hoping and crossing what we could - this month is diaper changes and bottle warmers and, if I am lucky, a shower!  We are supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps and yet we both find ourselves starting at her in utter disbelief that she is here and that she is ours.

Without Allie, there would be no Miranda.  Which means each and every day, we are thankful for both our girls.

Mother's Day is just around the corner.  In the past, this has been such a hard day for me.  I did not want to deny that I was/am Allie's mom, but without raising her, I felt that it was not fair to call myself her mom.  Fast forward to now and I can't wait to celebrate the day for both of my girls.  Allie made me a mom and I realize that more now that ever.  Miranda is letting me test the role out and see how it fits.  Each day is a new challenge and a new obstacle and it's so much better than I ever dreamed.  

The outpouring of love that we have received is nothing short of fantastic.  Our dining room is now known as the "present room" as each person that comes over refuses to do so empty handed!  I get texts and calls all day long wanting to know how Miranda is doing and if we need anything and when they can come back to see her or hold her again.  It's so amazing.

When I stop to think that I missed out on all of this with Allie, it hurts my heart.  I can't spend too much time wondering what it would have been like if this was 2011 and not 2013 but that's not fair to either child.  To deny those feelings is not fair, either.  Sigh.  Such is the life of parents who had to bury a child.

We have a video monitor installed in the nursery and the past few nights, when the baby is fed and changed and sleeping and it's my turn to sleep, I find myself starting at it looking to make sure she is moving or breathing or something.

I was so worried that now that we have it all, it will be short lived.  I do not want to take any moment for granted or assume that happiness lasts forever.  But I am going to have to have faith.  I have to believe that Miranda is our baby and she is not going anywhere.  She is safe and loved and she has made this house full of life again.  We are so in love.

And so on Allie's 2nd birthday, with a mouth full of cake, I said to Gary, "I am not sad right now.  I feel like I should be sad but I am not.  I am actually happy."  His reply?  "Good.  You should be.  That's what Allie would want."  I think he is right.  Thank you, Allie.  Thank you for sending your sister to us and for allowing us to at long last be happy.

Miranda, Our Rainbow

Bliss

I am a writer who has no words.  How can I possibly describe the love I feel for this child who has been in our lives for just a few short weeks?  She has changed everything. She has brought me back to life.

It's hard to write these days - mainly because I am knee deep in feedings or diaper changes or just holding our baby and staring at her until my eyes get blurry.  And that's ok.  We are having the most fun with her - trying to discover what she needs and when and trying to make sure she is a happy baby.  I am not sure how much we can really control that, but we are doing our part!

My main concern was that once we had our rainbow, everyone would forget that she is our second child.  Everyone would think that we are "cured" now.  That the last 2 years were nothing but a bad dream.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  From the first day we got matched with Miranda to the day we brought her home and every day since, people have respected that we have 2 girls in our hearts.  Everyone knows that Allie is the reason that Miranda is here.  Allie's spirit is all around and in the best possible way.

We did not have the nursery put back together until after we got home from Delaware.  We could not stand looking at that room without a baby in it again.  At first I thought I would want a complete makeover from the way we had it for Allie and then I realized that I loved the way it looked back then and I wanted it to look similar now. We had a bunch of family over to help us put the room back together and just like that, it was Miranda's room.  We still have a few things to hang and some finishing touches, but for the most part, it's ready.

She did not sleep in there right away, though, as we wanted her by our sides at all times.  I needed to see and hear every movement.  That lasted until exhaustion took over.  Eventually, daddy hooked up the video monitor and we decided to give it a go.

 

The first night, I jumped at every gurgle and every peep and ran to check on her.  I would sigh audibly when I could see that she was just fine.  Then came time for a feeding.  I heated up the bottle and sat in the glider and held my baby in my arms as I fed her.  And I felt Allie there with me in that room.  Helping me feed her sister.  Telling me I was doing a good job.  Allowing me to love this new baby with my whole heart.

The love and support we are getting is astounding.  I should not be surprised and yet I am for some reason.  Everyone wants to come over and meet her and love her and shower her with gifts and it's impossible to feel anything but joy when we are with her.  Miranda.  Our Miracle.

Monday will mark 2 years since I held Allie in my arms.  I am not sure what we are doing yet. What I do know is that it will be a celebration and not a memorial.  Allie is the daughter I carried and Miranda is the daughter I am raising.  While I will never truly understand why it had to be this way, I have come to accept it in the best way that I can.  

A friend from high school sent me this poem and I can't stop reading it. Since I am at a loss for words right now, I will use the words for another.  Miranda, this is for you:

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it.

Miranda Hope

Introducing Miranda Hope

Hebrew Name: Shoshannah

Born 3/31/13

8 lbs, 3 oz

21 inches long

The last time I blogged was Good Friday.  It was a hard day for as as just 2 years before, that was the day we delivered Allie still.  It will always be a hard day for me.  It was the day I lost my baby, a piece of my heart and certainly all of my hope.

Fast forward 2 years and on the same day, we discovered that the birth mother who picked us to raise her child thought she was in labor.  Turns out she was wrong and was sent home, but I knew only good things were on the way.

On Easter morning, bright and early, our little rainbow came into this world.  We were not there.  We found out from our social worker.  At first it felt so awkward that she was here and that we had not met her yet, but we trusted the process and our agency as they advised us to do.  And so far, so good.

We spent the holiday with Gary's side of the family and it was the perfect thing for us.  Had we stayed home and stared at each other all day, we would have gone crazy!  Early the next morning as we prepared to head to Delaware where our baby was born, we got word that the birth mother wanted us to come over that evening.  We were going to meet our baby!

We checked into the hotel and made our way over to the hospital.  It's hard to describe the emotions of meeting your child for the first time.  Would we feel the same connection even though she did not come from us?  How much did we miss out on my not getting those 9 months to bond with her?  Was she really ours?

Turns out, much of that worrying was for nothing.  The minute we laid eyes on her, we knew she was ours.  And that was the end of it.  We have the rest of our lives to bond with her but sure as I sit here and type this, I know that she is ours.  She is the best kind of gift - given to us by a woman so strong and so courageous what she knew that choosing us to raise her baby was the best gift she could give this child.  She was sad and emotional and discharge that next day took hours and hours as she could not say goodbye.  But in the end, she was able to say "see you soon" as we promised monthly emails and letters and pictures and that our daughter would always know where she came from.  That she was loved so very much from before she was even born.  Miranda's Hebrew name is Shoshannah which is the Hebrew name for Lily.  Liliana was the name our baby's birth mother called her when she was in her womb and we wanted to honor that name.

Leaving the hospital with our baby was surreal.  They wheeled me out in a wheelchair even though I had not delivered her.  I was now her mom and that's was protocol.  I was smiling ear to ear.  From there we went to our hotel and just stared at her.  And cried.  And stared some more.

We were supposed to have to stay out of PA for 7-10 business days (some said longer) until the Interstate Compact was signed.  This is the document that needs to be completed with a child is adopted outside of the state in which they reside.  For some reason, ours was signed in 24 hours.  They said it was a record. We got to Delaware on Monday, got our baby on Tuesday and by Thursday, we were heading home.

The birth mother signed over her parental rights, but she has 14 days to change her mind.  After talking to her and spending time with her, we are not really that concerned.  She knows that we can provide for this baby in a way that she could not.  Still, we will feel better once we know she is "ours".

After that, it takes up to 6 months for "finalization".  There, we will sit with a judge and he will give us a new birth certificate with her name on it as well as ours.  Then it will be "official".

It's hard to be reasonable and rationale when to us, she is already ours.  Her sister made sure of that.  Allie pulled some kind of strings to ensure that we would be parenting by her 2nd birthday.  I just know it.

I am more tired than I have ever been in my whole life.  And I love it.  A few mornings ago, around 3am, I said to Gary, "Do you think our lives will ever be the same?  He replied, "I hope not".  Indeed that is so true.

I am taking 12 weeks FMLA plus 2 weeks vacation.  I want to be home with my rainbow as long as I can.  Gary is home with me this week and we aim to put the nursery back together again.  We had grandparents and uncles and aunts over on Saturday to help us start moving items from the basement to the nursery. Our house has been a revolving door of guests and while we are so exhausted, we can't deny our loved ones the chance to meet our miracle.  One close friend brought over some clothes last night and said there was no gift receipt...she had bought them for Allie and then saved them hoping and praying that one day she would be able to give them to her sister.  It melted our hearts.

The road ahead is bright but we still need to proceed with caution.  Until the adoption is finalized...until we learn how to deal with there finally being a baby in this house...until we really understand this chance that we have been given.

We have found our hope.  Miranda Hope.  Our miracle.   Our happiness.  Our joy.