Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Our Rainbow

"Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain"      
Gary Allan from his album, "Set You Free"

My mom came over today so that I could go for a walk.  Funny how the things that I used to just "do" now require so much planning!  Anyway, she is happy to get some one-on-one time with Miranda so it all works out well.  Which is good since she is still here which means that today I can blog!

So there I was, out and about, when this Gary Allan song shuffled into play.  Gary bought it for me a few months ago but the words really resonated with me now.  I feel like the darkness of our last 2 years is something in my past. It's a part of my present, but really much more my past.  The darkness has turned to light and the heartache has indeed faded.  Some of that is time.  Some of that is Miranda.  Some of that is life.

In all the paperwork that we filled out to bring Miranda home, we allowed for 2 visits and 4 Skype calls a year with her birth mother.  Our first video call was this past weekend.  I thought it would be 15 minutes.  It was 40.  I thought it would be easy.  It was not.  That's not to say it was hard.  It was just surreal to me - to share our baby with the person who created her.  To talk about milestones and doctor's appointments and eating and sleeping schedules.  To wish her a Happy Mother's Day for she is indeed a mother.  To be filled with such gratitude for her and for this little person that has changed our whole world.  I was glad we made the call but it emotional for all of us.  We set up our 1st visit at the adoption agency's annual picnic next month.   I am curious to see how I will feel on that day.  No matter what,  I just need to remind myself that it is in the best interest of Miranda to know where she came from and how much love has always surrounded her.

After every storm there is a rainbow of hope...Here I am
Mother's Day is this weekend and I am freaking out a bit.  Well,  not freaking out - but I am VERY aware of it.  It's not my first Mother's Day - it's my 3rd.  But it's the first one I feel like I can celebrate.  I want to scream from the rooftops - I AM A MOM!!  I never felt like I could do that before.  Not being able to parent Allie did not mean I was not her mom - but it did make it hard to celebrate.  Now all I want to do is rejoice!  For both of my girls.

A second person asked me this week if Miranda was my first child.  I said yes this time, faster than I did in the Disney Store last week.  I am not denying Allie - I am just choosing how much of my story I want to share.

I still struggle with the absolute bliss I feel now that Miranda is here.  Does that mean that the last 2 years never happened?  NO!  It just means that my storm has run out of rain.  At least that is how I feel about it today.

I ran into someone this weekend who recently lost his daughter.  She was not a baby and yet I felt I had some words that could help console.  Grief is grief and people that have had to bury their children know a whole world of grief.  In the same week that I was able to give "mom" advice to a friend, I was able to comfort a mourning father.  I have both my girls to thank for that.

So I am looking forward to Mother's Day.  I will embrace it.  I will celebrate it with my mom and next week with Gary's mom.  I will finally feel like I am a real part of the "mom" club and I will try to enjoy it.  I suspect that it might not be that hard after all.  Rainbows are hope and happiness and light.  Rainbows make anything possible!  Rainbows often come when the storm runs out of rain.

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